My Sanctuary

Feels like its been raining for a long time now.

2011-11-15T13:34:00.002+08:00

Why does it feel like its been raining forever?

Feels like I've been trying everything to only barely grasp this situation or whatever this is called.

Fixated?

Perhaps.

Genuinely it feels like I've exhausted all my options.

So weary of the sunshine attitude.

So much easier to run back into the dark.

Evasion? Perhaps so.

Aren't we all?

Only difference between everybody else and I is that I admit this openly.

So tired.

Just one of those days of the weary hearted.

I wana do something mental and lose sight of this temporary madness.

Alas it is always back to real world.

So tired of the facade.

This masquerade dance.

Truly.

Who understands?

Faced with an endless maze with no way out.

Trapped like a mouse.

Where is my sanctuary?

Seem to have lost it.

So tempted to just give in.

I feel so downright bitter.

This stinks.

I just want silence in my head.

Why won't these thoughts leave me be and rest!

Go away!

I don't wana think anymore.

I give up.

I give up.

I give up.

There are stuff that I feel like I wana do, but I just feel like it anymore.

Tearing inside but I'm just numb really.

Don't think it'll let up if I let it start again.

So much work for me to do and I can't focus.

I am so letting my boss down and I think I'm a jerk for letting all these affect me.

Where is the reset button when you really need it?

Like delete and clear all that has happened.

Would I have chosen a different path then?

I'm not even sure if what I'm feeling right now is regrets.

Maybe it is, maybe it isn't.

I don't know anymore.

Things were so much simpler.

It could still be or could have been had I let it continue the way it did.

But no I wouldn't be happy in the end.

There's so many voices in my head and outside too.

Its all mixing together and forming a very masssive grey area that makes it even harder for me to discern the truth and what's not.

Some days I feel like walking out the door.

Yet something is holding me back with a tight grip.

Absolutely clueless as to what that is.

Maybe I need a shrink.

Or just drown in this.

So tempted to just give in and give up.

Its like a constant fight to put up this front that I just only realise that I've been putting up.

Just one of those days I wish I was dead.

2011-11-15T09:56:00.000+08:00

Waning strength

2011-11-15T01:31:00.002+08:00

Instead of the conventional praying, I am resorting to writing today.

Today is pretty much fucked up and I felt better off dead.

Everything feels like its coming apart and there was nowhere for me to scream to my heart's content.

All I can do is just keep it in, piling it up.

Right now, it is still containable, but I feel if something comes up I will really lose my mind and just kill my workdesk or something.

Sometimes it is ever so tempting to just slit my wrist and watch each drop of life slip away. But that's being a tad too morbid although it has come across my mind.

Life is shitty, so is taking a leap of faith.

Where is the reset button when you need it?

But as my motto of the day indicates, I say "C'est La Fucking Vie" and cheers to that.

I used to think I had shitty boyfriends and it would seem good fortune has befallen on me with this one.

Sadly, I am sad to say I stand corrected.

The current one, as perfect as I first pictured him to be, the pieces of this seemingly immaculate dream is crumbling.

I used to be so full of anger, so angry with everything, with him.

Now I just give up.

I give up on being angry, I give up on my wants/expectations.

I give up on life.

I just simply give up.

What is the point really?

I am so tired of being alive.

It feels like these days there's more sad than there are good.

Yes, I don't get angry anymore.

My attempt to curb my temper is somewhat of a success.

Of course, that is just naivete speaking.

Instead, I think I am involuntarily succumbing to mental destruction.

It feels like I'd rather have a mental breakdown and cry like a bitch as compared to a raving mad woman.

Do I regret breaking up with my ex?

As good as he is to me, I feel I don't need another father figure to dictate my life for me.

At the same time, I don't need another baby for me to take care of.

Life is so vexing sometimes and seek as I may, the opinions of others does offer little help.

I am at my wits end, or should I say I am completely truly and utterly lost.

Not even at the cross-roads.

At least at the cross-road, I still have 3 options.

Right now I feel like I'm staring at a pit of no return.

Decadent?

Maybe.

But who cares.

This is my shit.

And no-fucking-body can bitch/quarrel/comment on me blog.

Sigh.

I reckon there is no perfect someone.

Prince charmings are for pussies and I sir, am no pussie.

As much as I hate it, I've got a rather obstinate personality.

Love it or hate it.

For most, hate it i reckon.

But who gives a shit.

I don't.

"Shit happens". *cough*fuckingbull*cough*

That's just inability to be original and span something new out from the brainwaves.

Even my fart sounds more original than that crap.

Am I angry still?

Not really I think.

I am just very very irritated with annoying little bugs like them.

Getting a little sick of the positivity and slight ignorance.

Starting to feel fakey.

Anyways, back to point.

Where is the fucking boyfriend when you need him?

Yeap.

Apparently mine is here to ditch me so that he can go diving and whatever oo la la with that young caucasian instructor. (:

That or to go snorkeling alone and weak attempt to evade responsibilty by looking for me under the fucking sea.

Hmm.

Or give me a fucking black face when its my activity time.

Sure.

Go watch the stripey ladies.

I'll just go find some hot hunk to flirt with.

Sometimes I think the reason why I have all these wretched allergies is cuz God knows that I will get wasted on a almost daily basis if there was no restriction.

And therefore I sought a lame alternative, shisha.

Yes, freaking lame and cancerous but I wanted to divide my attention between dying from cancer and my current problems.

What problems I say?

Lots! ^^

So much that I feel like just giving up everyday.

Everything just aren't going my way and I feel like fuck.

I am sick of being the babysitter.

When is it my turn to be cuddled!

I honestly think maybe its time for me to consider lesbians instead.

One cuz women are naturally more thoughtful than countless D-bags.

Two I can relieved from all the incessant quarrels.

Three I will be more appreciated.

Hmm.

Which reminds me since I seem to be listing down the plus points of flipping the bio switch.

I am supposed to do a list.

Which I will do tomorrow cuz I'm not done bitching here. :D

Yeap, I am definitely losing my sanity cuz I am totally talking to myself here.

Sigh, the temptations to just cut myself..

Now I resort to just finding a corner and mope till I let the tears fall out and till it stops when my heart doesn't feel as heavy.

Everything feels so impossible.

That I just wana throw everything away.

Boyfriend, work, school, family, whatever else I have included.

I just give up really.

What can I say?

It is so tiring to hang on to so many things and coping.

Nobody truly understands what I'm feeling.

I don't need the fake sympathies.

On a side note, real tears rolling off my cheeks and that person sitting right beside me does not notice?

Sigh.

Its like mission impossible with this one.

What should I do?

Decisions decisions.

At least I ain't fickle-minded when it comes to these matters.

Not really.

I am a "firm woman".

Such a bullcrap that I wana thrash my laptop to even see that.

Everyone to themselves right?

Hardly think outside of the self-centeredness.

Bubble wrapped in the happiness of close attention.

On the downside, it makes one downright ...............

Life is as such.

C'est la fucking vie I say! (:

toodles~!

Like a skyscraper.

2011-09-06T02:51:00.003+08:00

Today, today, today is like the mini backlash version of what occurred just two months ago. Monstrous month in fact.

Haven't been updating my blog since I was last with Kevin.

Physically, I'm drained but sleep continues to evade me.

Its 3.00 am and I continue to toss restlessly in bed.

The temptation to give in to just let my hair down and scream away helplessly has been quite a struggle since it was light till now.

I need to talk to someone, but who has answers to my questions?

I know God has.

Sigh.

I don't understand what is going on and I'm starring at the seemingly mess I made of my life.

A far cry from what was once, what transpired these past months.

How low I've stooped.

Tickled sniggers in the shadows.

I didn't know what it really means to have that heart-wrenching feeling.

Now I do, first-hand.

Sigh sometimes I wish my parents would spoil me like so many rich kids I've seen.

To not have to worry about school fees, to be able to go abroad to study.

What I have today, I had to work for it.

Working through part-time jobs to earn my own allowances, slogging my ass off at EY while putting myself through school and that is so even right now.

It's not that I really want to be a spoilt rich kid, but it'd be nice to not think about financials and just go study abroad with everything taken care of.

Its not like my parents aren't well-to-do.

Sometimes I guess I just wished I had gone down a different path and not be where I am today.

Its so easy for her, for you to tralala cuz you didn't have to go through what I did.

Utterly under-appreciated.

I give up.

I give up wanting anything.

Wants seems to be insatiable or simply just too unattainable at this point of time.

Yet my wants are neither many nor impossible.

My wants are very basic.

But even in that, there are struggles.

I envy people who have rich parents and have nothing to fret.

Just go and do away with the hardships.

Life is unfair?

That doesn't even sum up to it.

Being positive is equivalent to being mentally drained on my bad days.

The upkeep of the sunshine attitude just burns on days such as this.

Even now I can still feel like sobbing away.

I am only but a girl.

So many decisions for me to make at work.

So many depending on me.

Work is just as stressful, or should I say in fact more than some, but I am coping with it with much less complaints.

Not really comprehending how is it it cannot be handled.

Sigh.

I just wish to be that little girl and have her man be all masculine and all (on most matters) once I'm off work.

Now, the issue here is not about whether or not you are leaving here or not.

Being away hasn't been much of a problem for me.

But.

The words that you uttered, it still haunts me.

"I know myself well that I cannot do long distance relationship. Don't worry, I won't cheat on you. I will let you know if there is someone else."

How is anyone supposed to react to that?

Plus the uncertainty of you not being able to decide if you are that committed to this relationship?

"I'm still young."

That's your excuse.

Really.

I asked once before if you are definitely certain about this.

"Yes. I am very certain. Don't ask me anymore. I know what I want."

There.

I took that leap of faith.

Now, you're tearing me down like I'm made of paper.

Now, you're telling me you want to do long distance relationship.

Someone, anyone, God (?), please tell me what to do.

I don't want to keep second-guessing myself.

I need answers.

Yes.

I am heart-broken.

My very own superhero, how idyllic. (:

2010-01-12T11:19:00.013+08:00

Haha my very own brand of superhero, my boyfriend.

Haha in all technical terms, he wasn't the one who saved the day, but he sure whisked me off with his charming decisive concern!

So I was on the MTR train, on my way to meeting my beau and his colleagues for a supposed fun night out when I realised that this douchebag of an a-hole seemed kinda wrong.

Wrong in the manner like he was trying to take indecent pictures of me (was in my mini skirt).

It got me all peeved up and I deliberately MARCHED OVER and stood right beside him, (all intentions intended) GLARING.

That dimwit tried to appear suave and like nothing was wrong, so it got me peeved to a whole new level and I confronted him under the public eye!

Me: "Hey!I think you're taking pictures of me. SHOW ME YOUR CELLPHONE."

Dimwit: *Mutters something dimwitted. Duh.* [And starts scrambling for his cellphone and ran a couple of photos by me.]

Me: "Okay."

So I sat down a seat away from dimwit and started wondering why he didn't show me the pictures on his SD card. Got me all worried that he might have some discriminating photos, so I marched over with my demands again.

This time, he managed to squeeze a couple of words outta his mouth and said that he had to alight at the next stop and I will have to follow suit if I were to inspect his cellphone.

I agreed and he promptly handed his cellphone to me like a good student. (haha)

That was when I SAW A VIDEO OF HIM ATTEMPTING TO RECORD A GIRL'S UNDIES ON AN ESCALATOR AT SOME TRAIN STATION.

Me: "OMG I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS. YOU ARE DISGUSTING!"

Me (again): "WHAT THE HELL!?!YOU ACTUALLY TOOK PICTURES OF ME?!?!"

I got me even more angsty at the thought of him smirking away, thinking that he got away by scamming me with some random pictures and not showing me those on his bloody SD card.

[Apparently, Dimwit here is aptly given cuz for one, he is a retard for giving me his cellphone since he could have refused on rights of personal property or just hit me and run, two....wait I can't think of anything else besides being a retardy.]

So yes, with that, he unleashed the queen of bitches, I started yelling at him (despite his feeble attempts to persuade me to let him go) and started for the station master.

Called Kevin while I was trying to locate the control station since I've never alighted at this stop before and that big, tall burly guy was starting to scare me (like he might grab me somewhere and beat me up) but I kept up a bravefront and munched on my "YOU JUST MESSED WITH THE WRONG GIRL".

I was starting to get a little desperate for people since there appeared to be no one else besides us till I reached the second level and thank god (!).

Called out to some passers-by and finally a really nice lady told me how to get to the control station.

(Foot note: Dimwit told me to follow him, that he was directing me to it but I wasn't born yesterday to not know that it might be a trick. Even though it did turn out to be true.)

I asked Kevin to speak to the station master and call the cops for me.

The station personnels impressed me with their politeness and immediate response. Like wow, in a couple of minutes after Kevin spoke to the master, 3 personnels came and escorted dimwit to the control station.

(This was while I was publicly screaming, full throttle, at the top of my lungs at dimwit, shaming him till kingdom come.)

So the police came and my very own superhero (Kevin) arrived in like 10-15 mins after.

I was so touched by the fact that he immediately dropped whatever he was doing (my silly monkey was still busying @ work) and cabbed over just to be with me.

(*o*)

I kinda expected him to wait for me at Mongkok, (where we were supposed to meet up) instead he dashed right over!

Awww, my very own brand of superhero. (:

And he was so charming, the way he spoke to the police officers on my behalf (I neither comprehend nor converse in cantonese) and took care of the everything he could for me.

I felt really guilty for making him late for his appointment with his friends, but he didn't mind of course.

Sigh~

This is just one of the many times of when he sweeps me off my feet.

I feel loved everyday, even on my pmsing days cuz he always concedes to my every request without so much of an argument and with such love!

I've asked him before how he could ever stand my pmsing moments.

He simply replied, "Cuz I love you". (or like, whichever is still good)

(*O*)

How it is possible that we are together still astounds me, while his affections never fails to surprise me! (:

Ps: He spoils me silly and I'm lovin' every bit of it! (;

Speechless beyond words.

2009-11-13T00:44:00.002+08:00

So here I go again.

Angry, hurt and..hurt.

Arranging MY OWN farewell dinner is already sad enough, when it should have been someone else arranging it for me.

I mean who in the world does that for themselves??

Probably me??Since I seem to be bloody thick-skinned about it.

It is even more upsetting when not even my closest friends are bothered to do so.

Never mind.

I'm cancelling it altogether.

It'll just amplify the embarrassment for me to keep changing MY FAREWELL DINNER so that everyone can come.

Why do it when maybe there are those who just don't wana come?

Great, I am feeling ridiculously stupid being upset over this.

And even better, one of the many reasons was that she had to go gym.

I rest my case.

This already is pathetic enough.

Change of scene underway.

2009-10-31T02:49:00.005+08:00

So I've finally submitted my resignation, much to my long-desired relief.

NO more late nights, sleep deficiencies, social alienation and most of all, no more facing HER!

God I am so happy!

Wait happy doesn't even cover it.

Its happiness that is even uncomparable to a kid placed in candyland.

Utter release.

I have waited a really really long time to do this, say 3.5 years ago, but my pride refused to budge even though under such dire circumstances.

I nearly crumbled at almost every turning point of my life, but I resiliently held on and braved the storms of wretchedhood and solemn curses.

There you have it, my life story.

Haha.

So my current plans are to slump in Hong Kong for awhile.

Of course mom and dad would go mental and start throwing threats (like get outta my house) my way.

Undoubtedly.

I haven't quite thought of how to deal with it yet.

Am still procrastinating on breaking this piece of news to them.

Not really in the mood to take their ridiculous hurlings.

These days, I just hide in my room when I return home and watch endless english series (courtesy of Mark, a goofy and awesomely nice colleague).

Though english series seems to be getting rather stale these days.

That or I just am sick of watching shows and doing nothing else.

Aside from work and the occassional gym (when I am able to, no thanks to HER).

Ahhh I caught the cold from my client yesterday and my nose was like a running tap.

Thus, I am on medical leave today and resting at home..

Had pancakes and ice cream for dinner..That's "definitely" going to make me better.

Haha!

Feeling drowsy already~

Bouncing off~

Random rants.

2009-10-21T03:48:00.005+08:00

Yes!!!I am finally on leave!

Haha!

So so so happy that its FINALLY HERE!!

Goddd I've been wanting to do this for the longest time, while I sit in green envy, watching all's graduation!

Inexplicable bliss!

Can't wait can't wait can't wait!

(:

__________________________________________________

Side note, I feel like there are so much to rant about but words just seem to fleet away when I try to pen it down.

Transient thoughts.

In the dead of the night, I lie here in bed thinking of what will unfold ahead.

I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't shit scared for taking this big stride.

I need to get out of this "comfort" zone.

Time to do something radical instead of being a stickler for this monotonity.

Life is what I make of it!

Post note: Hope all goes well for your scan tomorrow baby. (: (:
[Though I'd appreciate it if you didn't get all angsty and bitch at me whenever I have family arguments.

It seriously doesn't help at all when you scold me while dishing "advises" to me and I honestly hate it when you do that.

Just cuz its something that you wrongfully committed in the past, does not mean that I'll follow your footsteps. And it is just equally wrong to assume. I treat my mom as good (if not better) than I treat Kevin's mom. Well at the very least, Kevin's mom listens to what I say.

In any case, please don't bother giving advises when you're in one of your moods cuz you're just testing my patience. Just cuz I keep silent about it doesn't mean I am alright with this.

I kept quiet cuz I know that if we quarrelled there and then, it'd be the end of our friendship. Thus, please take this into consideration and inform me to steer away from you (just as I do) when you are in your moods.]

__________________________________________________

To-do list

1. Study my ass off and clear all my papers by next year end (LATEST)
2. Do something about managing my anger issues
3. Be more forgiving towards (fuckers) others (something that I still am struggling to do)

Release at last.

2009-10-13T03:50:00.004+08:00

The final release..

Yes, the much anticipated, much talked about (by me haha) is in its finale revelations!

I feel so much light hearted these days, no longer bogged down by unhappy pests.

As I always say, "Life is as such" and so it is.

It is what it is and what you will make of it.

To rant about it, to crumble because of what it has delt you with, to live another day, to rejoice on what God has handed you (yes yes I am not a very godly person, but that doesn't mean I am any less of a believer than any of the proclaimed christians).

I....am finally at peace.

Mutual understanding.

What life has ahead of me I do not know, but I do know one thing.

That is, I've been delt with the worst (thus far) unimaginable misery for the past 4 years of my life and yet I live.

That definitely counts as a something in my books.

No doubt, I was near my breaking point at every turn, but God has (always) placed friends around me, comforting me when I nearly caved.

For that, I am thankful.

I guess, the most thanks I have to give is to Lena, for her utmost support and incredible tolerance that she's have had with me.

Haha..I missed our beginnings together and I had wished for us to grow on further..together.

I do hope that our journey does not end here, for it would be like a sad story, an unhappy ending.

I wish the best for all my dearest friends, that you will still excel in what you do, wherever you may be.

(:

Dear boyfriend.

2009-10-04T02:47:00.003+08:00

You are boring me.

Are you blind to my statements.

Its fuckin' blatantly THERE for you to see DUH!?!

Its all YOU YOU YOU YOU.

I HATE IT WHEN YOU DON'T RESPOND TO WHAT I SAY.

Go grow some balls.

Same goes for that bitchass cockyshit "sista" of mine.

Go fly kite.

In a raging mood that I fuckin' wana wreck something.

Happy birthday MY ASS.

Fuck this shit.

Objectivity.

2009-09-21T23:46:00.004+08:00

Lesbians and gays.

I wonder why is it that many project them as ungodly (god-less) people.

This is not so isn't it?

Idk it just came to mind.

Prolly cuz I was watching this "reality tv", Paris Hilton's my new bff.

Okay its lame but it sure is godamn funny.

So there was this gay (really really really fuckin' hot one) named Stephen whose family unconditionally accepted him for who he is.

And out of all the contestants, he is the most down-to-earth and was a real person.

Sooo, my point is, whether a person is deemed faithful (to God) is not dependant on his/her sexual preferences.

Rather, it is a matter of each individual's perception and how they carry themselves.

Being straight doesn't make one anymore "godly" than homosexuals, bisexuals, etc.

In fact, I think some lesbians/gays are the ones whom He would more likely approve of.

Sometimes I wonder if it is His test, on whether one is able to withstand the tribulations such as these.

I truly believe that if one's soul is good, it doesn't matter what their sexual orientation is.

Of course on a side note, it is of total irrelevance to me, ie. I am neither preaching nor am I insinuating that I am one He would have been proud of.

I have done ugly things that I still regret (don't we all?) but I'm trying to live with it.

At the very least, I can say that it is not without cause that I committed such sins.

I feel so anyway.

Right, I'm just being absolutely random again.

2009-09-19T02:28:00.001+08:00

Its 2.29 am and I am very proud to declare that I am still (alas) stuck in the office at this ungodly hour.

A golden hour for me to rant, if I were home.

One would think I was hard at work, fumbling away through the stacks of evil audit papers.

No.

I am distracted by the boredem's clutches.

Bored from only recollections and memories.

It sometimes just isn't enough.

I haven't blog awhile now, not so much as a fart on my blog, therefore I present this latest rant on my sexciting life.

Work/home/tv/gym/and work somemore.

The days where the heart pounds madly in the bid of sneaking out in the middle of the night has ceased.

Regrettably.

I have, with much distress, grown old.

And so here I go with my usual declaration of: "OH.MY.GOD."

Yes, this entry serves no meaning at all!

Ahah!

Maybe I should just random pick a place to fly to and just go!

Pfftt with responsibilities and obligations!

Hah!

Pissy mood.

2009-08-11T00:25:00.002+08:00

I'm not always going to be here at your best convenience.

So I'm in a pissy mood cuz I'm pmsing and missing him.

But apparently that bag of annoyance is too busy playing to talk to me.

My understanding has its limits and you're at the breaking point already.

Awfully cranky cuz I've gots to work tomorrow and be at a case that I distinctively detest.

Wouldn't kill for you to put away your toy for a night.

Hell I don't even ask you to talk to me every night and you know that.

Love bites sometimes.

And its bites are worse when you've got a kid for a boyfriend.

Maybe I should reconsider going alone just to spite you a bit.

Sometimes, just sometimes I wish books were real so that I can get lost in them and never return.

Wonderings.

2009-08-06T23:32:00.001+08:00

I'm really supposed to be doing my work now but my mind is distracted.

Again.

Concentration lifespan of a hamster.

Anyhow, I kinda miss him alot already though its only been 3 weeks since I last saw him.

"Distance makes the heart fonder", guess there is some truth in that.

Naturally, its kinda a bummer when your boyfriend isn't around when you need him.

I never said it didn't.

Well at least he almost always picks up my calls so that's a plus there.

Especially nights when I work late and had to take the (damn eerie) elevator all on my own.

Side-tracking abit, he's not in a fantastic mood tonight so I reckon he isn't up for chatting this night.

And of all nights, I miss him terribly right this moment.

Damnit.

A long overdue post.

2009-07-29T02:21:00.003+08:00

Ahhhh procrastination has yet again bested me.

(And) considering my dwindling memory span, I can hardly recall much to write about, save for the recent events, like oh I don't know, my boyfriend?

Haha.

Seeing how haney is makes me wana lighten up and quit mulling over stuffs that are still gona be there regardless the extent of mulling.

Haha.

Ramblings again.

So yea as I was saying (or typing, so to speak), I shall dedicate this entry as a tribute to my standing relationship.

(:

Though its been rough, returning home from home (his being the second =p), seeing how "ecstatic" daddy is about my trip over, I'm not seeing red that much as I used to. Well daddy, I'm turning 24 soon. So yea, time to let go.

Cuz honestly, kevin makes every bit of our time together special, intented or not.

Its funny how we always end up quarrelling each time we meet.

Haha.

Monkeyboy can be such a dick and piss me off real bad sometimes, but that much in love at the same time.

Especially when we make up.

Its rather silly really, but I still love every bit of it.

Yea, I'm mental.

All of us are, on some level.

(:

So anyway, I'm awfully glad I took that leap of faith (not to mention the then-overdosage of insanity) and flew to Hong Kong 2 years ago.

Of course, aside from the side-tracks that thankfully never concluded before that.

:D

There's like so many things that I wana say that its endless, but I'll just summarize it to:

Monkeyboy,I'm in such bliss cuz we're together & you've made me so happy and still are (:

Love you always and pray to god our past history will not repeat itself.

Te quiero mucho y te necesito tu cariño.

Its time.

2009-07-02T01:24:00.002+08:00

Of the month.

I think.

Just when the day was getting by nicely, I got ridiculously cranky.

To the point of hollering on the streets.

Don't ask.

Morbid and ugly moment of my life.

Ugh.

The "little sufferings" of women.

Predictably ridiculous.

2009-06-21T17:14:00.002+08:00

Sometimes I feel like I can never understand how unfeeling you can be.

Put aside your grudges/unhappiness and open those eyes of yours.

I am here.

We are here.

As a family.

Whether you like it or not.

Although you announce of sibling love, I am hardly convinced?

Why do you always have to put up such a nasty front and be a total biatch about it?

WHY???

And then I incidentally found out that you're still contacting that douchebag ALDRIN?!?!

HOW STUPID CAN YOU BE???

GAWD!

PLEASE!

Use your god-given brains to think right and ditch that A-hole!

He deserves nothing of you!

That balding man is getting his retribution by increasing hairline cracks.

I applaude God for that.

The only reason that I can think of for you to be around him, is that you flaunt how great life is to you after he dumped you.

Today is Father's day and you can't even be bothered to celeb for daddy.

Why?

Your reason being that, we just don't.

LIKE COME ON!

DAD has feelings too and he loves his kids and I know he loves it when we do these little things for him.

THAT'S PART OF WHAT MAKES IT WORTH HIS WHILE CUZ ITS FATHER'S DAY AND HE'S A DAD!

I feel like I can never understand you.

Period.

Yet another angsty day.

2009-06-18T12:08:00.003+08:00

Sometimes, just sometimes, I feel like I'm having more of a relationship with your mum than with you.

Yea I'm being unfeeling and temperamental.

So?

So are you even at the best of your times.

I've kept mum for too long that I'm getting the feeling that you're being complacent about it.

Whatever man.

Don't bother to promise what you can't keep your word on.

I don't need empty promises.

Being understanding is one thing, being initiative is another.

I'm starting to bore myself with memories that are getting so opaque these days.

And I don't like one worded messages.

"Dinner", "Night", Home", "Tired".

I can even predict what you're going to message me tonight.

"On the way home."

Oh wait, there's that 3 worded message.

Not that I'm appreciative over that either.

Like I say, don't bother messaging me if you don't feel like it.

I'm not an officer that you're reporting to.

I'm a girlfriend, your girlfriend.

I don't like to quarrel cuz I find it mentally strenuous, so don't make me have to.

[Type in whatever you like here]

2009-06-09T01:48:00.003+08:00

Sometimes it feels like its getting stagnant and complacent.

And that's boring.

Idk maybe its cuz I'm on hols with free time on hand (when I'm really supposed to be studying, like right now for instance).

Sheesh I can't believe I'm so clingy.

Oh clingyness go away!

I hate you!

Shoo!

Taking the easy way out. So overrated.

2009-06-07T04:10:00.002+08:00

Hatred.

Its just so much easier to hate someone/something, rather than forgiveness.

It seems like the god-given ability to absorb misdeeds against ourselves are amiss.

For me at least.

I can't remember the last time I truly forgave someone, without having commit a counter-misdeed.

I simply can't.

And all the time, I yada yada about god when I seem to be the greatest sinner.

Hah.

Laugh all.

It is plain mockery in sight.

Ahhh this entry has deviated from its original intention.

That is about my sibling bonds.

It came as a shocker when Brenda told me that.

Yea, a real shocker of unimaginable magnitude.

So I exaggerate, but indulge me.

I....I'm just at a loss of words.

My sweet adulterous affair.

2009-06-05T03:08:00.005+08:00

Right.

I'm coming clean with it.

I'll admit that I haven't been quite that very much faithful as I should be.

To my blog.

:D

The adulterator: Television & Sweet sweet sleep.

Haha my scandalous affair.

What did you think it was? (;

Anyhow, these weeks of leave are such bliss.

Like the rare autumn breeze that you yearn for in the hottest day of the summer.

Alas, it is transitory.

Oh well, at least I had a good run out of it.

[Note to self: Time to brush up on my vocabulary. So disastrously limited! Words I beckon you to me!]

Ohhh!

Happy thoughts!

Karen Chance's 4th installment, "Curse the Dawn", is FINALLY out!

Come to MaMa!

Ahh yes, my train of thoughts has gone off the rail (again).

Man it bites to have such twindling memory.

OMG I'M SO STRESSED!!

2009-06-04T01:39:00.002+08:00

The title speaks for itself.

Now where is the boyfriend when you need him? -_-

A schmuck.

2009-06-03T02:16:00.003+08:00

Yes, I'm the schmuck here.

Been sleeping/watching drama serials/lazing/eating & doing practically nothing constructive.

I'm such a P.U.G!

Sheesh!

I keep telling my brains to move my ass out of bed and get down to study and to some success I did.

Only to be blogging right now.

Again, nothing constructive.

Ugh, THUNDER SCHBITE ME IN THE ASS!

SHEESH!

*Rolls eyes at self

Yeap, I'm absolutely positively rambling unconstructively again!

[Ps: Hate posers & play-cutes. Oh grow up already duh.]

2009-05-25T02:54:00.002+08:00

Okay.

Although I did ask for excitement right now, I don't mean in the anger kinda way.

Why why why does she always have to come irritate me like this.

Okay so I'm being a total big fuck about it.

But why why why does she have to bother me about itty gritty stuffs?

Like wearing what sort of shoes to office?!?!?

Does it matter what I wear????

Honestly, just do/say/wear whatever you deem right.

Honestly, please be opinionated at times.

Yes we all have our times of fickleness, but as much as you do.

good god. -_-

Boring~

2009-05-25T02:31:00.004+08:00

I need entertainment.

Something out of the blue, erratic.

Bargh humbargh.

2009-05-25T01:10:00.003+08:00

So disinterested these days.

Where is the novelty anymore?

Makes me just wana be unreasonable and pick a random fight.

Ditching "this" and heading out tomorrow.

So its time to flex those fingers.

2009-05-10T17:58:00.003+08:00

*Bliss*

It all felt like a fleeting dream!

With each day fluttering by before me and in a flash, I was snapped back to reality without him.

I love being around him, he makes me feel utterly safe, unguarded.

So our first night wasn't exactly that productive, seeing how bummed out tired we all were.

I was ever so sleepy like I haven't slept in eons and the hours just zoomed past.

Before long it was daybreak and he was already up and ready.

Awoke to his breathe on my face while he attempted to rouse me from my deep slumber.

I knew I was home. (well second home)

To cut things to the chase, he was even more extensive in doting me.

Like omg, he acceded to my every whims and wants and buying me everything that I liked.

Not to forget about the little details and hints of the probability.

Ahhhh time will tell of it, I always say. (;

Meanwhile, I'll do my best to ensure that I enjoy every bit of the blissful moments spent with him.

te quiero con locura.

Awkward.

2009-04-28T01:14:00.002+08:00

Strange.

Do I sound mean when I don't mince my words?

Or wait, am I mean by nature?

Hmm..

Somedays, it just feels like an epic battle at work.

Somedays, it feels downward disturbing, what with these pointless mind-boggling questions.

Suddenly, I get the strangest feeling that I've become Ruyi.

Well at least her shadow at best, since I can't beat her nastiness and malice.

True, she's helped me a good deal but its negated by all the bad deeds that she's done in my face.

Sigh.

Such contradictory feelings.

I really ought to get my butt down to work instead of being so damn cranky and distracted.

Soon...

Anger at its peak.

2009-04-26T21:29:00.002+08:00

Ugh?!?!?!

I just burned $120 on a lousy haircut and color (that bleakly looks like purple).

Fucking never gona patronise Heatwave or Monsoon ever!

Damn people have no sense of color and lack of professionalism.

Squirting hairdyes all over my hands and I feel like I've been coloring my own hair when I look at my hands.

Incredibly peeved!

Makes me just wana verbal assualt them.

Lousy salon!

Show me your dreams and i'll show you mine.

2009-04-11T21:20:00.005+08:00

Spain holds such unspeakable beauty..

Eygpt exudes such mystery..

Can't wait to have my breathe taken away by its grotesque palaces, ancient goth cathedrals, medival castles..

Sigh.

Sometimes I wish I lived in the medival times.

Fly me away to the impossible I say.

Really.

2009-04-01T01:17:00.003+08:00

Honestly, I really ought to be working right now, but shushed thoughts are brimming up in my head and I can't work right with such a din.

Would I really only be able to attain that dream at 30, when I'm starting to wither and grey?

Hmmm..

Well, no time for negativity.

Back to work.

This is one of those "fun" moments where I ask God why.

Extraordinary day: "I went out on a Sunday."

2009-03-22T00:07:00.008+08:00

As the title suggests, yes I had actually stepped out of my hole today, a Sunday, to have dinner with my family.

The pricey dinner was everything short of fantastic, considering how much we'd paid for it, accompanied by a tinge of bore when mumsy ran into an old friend.

Yes yes sweet nostalgia for her but total bore for me, especially when they compare each other's kids accomplishments.

Yea like SHEESH huh?

Anyways, I was way lazy to wear anything but nice since its THE WEEKEND, a break away from not having to think about what to wear.

So basically, I dressed to look like crap earlier on.

Haha.

Her friend was eyeing me from head to toe with watchful glances.

But who cares?*rolls eyes*

My sister, on the other hand, was dressed to the nines, since she thought that we were heading to orchard.

Yes yes, the gem of the family thus shines.

Oh well, I'm glad she's finally looking good.

Now she's just short of a prince charming to sweep her off and away to the moon.

For a moment, I wondered what would it be like for me when I'm her age.

Haggard and looking shiteous or at the prime of my life?

Hmmm...

Guess its time to actually bother with the itty gritties of looking good?

Haha.

In relation to my earlier note, YES its finally set and ready for count down!

Waayyy excited for it!

Classic example of yet another impulsive act that was given very little thought.

Of course, there is always that rush that comes with my insanity.

Hoho.

Soon can never come faster!

Post-script: "Kevin's mum is a real sweetheart! Thanks for everything! ^^*

Kevin, thank youu for being my sweet bitch! (Heh heh) Te amo siempre!~

Consolation.

2009-03-20T02:10:00.003+08:00

Ahhhh my parents are jetting off to europe come end of this month again.

Without us!

Boohoo.

Paris, Switzerland, Germany, London, Rome!

nooooooooooooooooooooooo..........

Sigh.

Oh well, I suppose it's time for them to romance and sway to the love vibes of Paris.

No matter!

I shall be there one day!

Side note, I worry like a granny when they travel overseas alone, insanely bogged with imaginative seemingly-highly-impossible situations.

God, pleaassseee watch over them..

Mum's been stocking up food at home, lest we go hungry while she's away.

Ahhh that's mumsy for you!

(note to self: remind mum to order siew mais! Haha)

Thus, to cover for their 2 weeks absence, we would be dining together (hopefully a non-crazy-screamy one) at Din Tai Fung come sunday.

Insane cravings for dim sums, especially the yummilicious xiao long baos.

My mouth is literally watering even as I type.

Aside from that, a happy issue has arised!

Finally!

Something near to look forward to!

Do hope it comes through though..

Miss him and miss bonding with my sister.

Although she gets bitch-slappable crazy mad on many occassions.

Its like become an inane craziness for her to be like this already.

Haha.

Ahhh its 2.19am yet again, hence I shall retire for now, if not I'll drive dai lou ridiculously mental with trying to wake me up from my dead slumber.

Haha.

Breach of reason.

2009-03-10T02:29:00.014+08:00

Feeling a tad bit of morbidity today, perhaps due to pmsing.

Almost wanted to tear from having to see those unappreciative wretched files, and now that I'm home, almost wanting to tear from being angry with him.

Yes, the ungodly time of the month has regrettably descended upon me once again.

Sigh.

We're on the phone, but with only the exchange of sighs and background noises.

The barest exchange of words.

Scarce, yet occassionally warmth cuts the eerie silence.

It does not fufill to know what one knows against the dread.

That which connects us is but only air waves that carries familiar sounds.

Such strange embodiment.

The night feels stale, as though the air is burdened with reluctant depression.

Desperate to seek solace in writing.

Each word spoken/each thought enweaved.

Eager fingers await to tap away the cold keys, yet the mind draws blank.

Nothingness.

I have failed.

Incapable of even a good write.

Shall sleep away this weighing sadness.

_____________________________________________

Side-script: Hate feeling like this.

Wish for this no more.

Leave me be!

Cranking up the crank'o meter.

2009-02-19T21:42:00.004+08:00

Gawd I'm so tired these days and for god knows what reasons.

Sigh..stayed late yesternight to finish some work but end up not clearing it at all.

Which is totally upsetting.

Sigh.

Bored of complaining and hating those damn wretches.

I reckon that being has no life of its own, thus the frequent late nights at the office.

AND that "senior" is "UGH".

Too lazy to rant more about that yet another creature.

Fakey.

Pfftt.

Some people are just so overrrated.

Cannot be bothered.

You irk me and I abhor empty shells like you.

Tired and thus sleeping!

Postscript: I miss him. :'(

(And was that a tinge of jealousy from you? =D)

"Je t'aime vraiment mon ami"

2009-02-15T14:58:00.005+08:00

Wow love is definitely in the air these days.

Everyone around me is getting married and MTV channel is airing the "Best of My Big Fat Wedding".

I want Monique Lhuillier!

"Whenever life seems to drift you away from me, I can't help but cry. You've grown to be such a part of me that without you life is no more than a desperate sigh. They do say love comes and goes, and to that I disagree. So, here's my hand, take it and don't let go of me."

To mi novio.

2009-02-09T00:14:00.002+08:00

Hope guides me, that is what gets me through the day and the night.

The hope that after you've gone from my sight, it will not be the last time that I look upon you.

I may not get to see you as often as I like.

I may not get to stay in your arms through the night.

But deep in my heart I truly know, you're the only one that I love and can't let go.

See there's this place in me where your fingerprints still rest, your kisses still linger, and your whispers softly echo.

It's the place where a part of you will forever be part of me.

And, although the roses that you gave me has faded, and wilted away, the love tucked deep inside remains in my heart forever.

Blood curdling friday.

2009-02-07T23:24:00.005+08:00

That fat peanut really makes my blood boil.

Fat peanut (FP) simply cannot be bothered about itswork and expects me to follow up on something that its responsible for.

Ugh.

FP : "Client sent an email, but I don't know what she wants us to amend. Can you please take a look at it?"

Me : "Okay" (grudgingly of course since that FP is such a backstabber and pompous freak)

Me : "Uhmm do you understand what she is trying to say?" (cuz I was brain dead and too lazy to think what the client wants)

FP : "Uhmm I don't know cuz I didn't read the email."

Me : "What??"

FP : "Oh what I meant was that I only skimmed through the email."

I, am of course in disbelief, but whatever.

Me : "Ohh she wants us to amend the FS pages. By the way, have you sent the list of adjustments, commitments and ML to client?"

FP : "No not yet."

I'm thinking, never mind..

Me : "Never mind, I'll check with the manager and settle this."

So me calls manager and in return was asked whether there were outstanding matters.

Me : "Hey FP, have you followed up and are there any outstanding issues?"

FP (very proudly adds on) : "Yea I have, uhmm some ****** form. Hang on, I'll go get the file."

Moments later, FP returns and puts the file on my table and says...

FP : "Here's the list (which was the one that I UPDATED) but I don't know what's going on. I'm VERY BLUR."

Me, internally cursing and swearing away.

Me (didn't bother to smile anymore cuz she didn't deserve to be treated nicely what with that cannot-be-bothered attitude) : "Wait, did you or did you not follow up?"

FP : "No."

#@?%!$^@#%!!

Me : "Kay, never mind, I'll do it myself." (with my extremely black face)

FP : "Do you still need the other file?"

Me : "Just leave it here." (didn't bother looking at FP either)

FP then, THROWS the fucking file on the table in the most HAUGHTIEST manner and walks off.

OVERRATED FP!

Don't understand why that FP is always so stressed when FP has such a nice manager!?!

This is one of those moments where I ask God WHYYY???

In any case, never mind.

Don't really give a shit crap about that FP.

That creature really ought to quit since it keeps rattling that it doesn't know why its still staying in this shithole.

Time to open your eyes and welcome to the world of pain FP!

Ruthless cycle of bending moments.

2009-02-05T23:19:00.007+08:00

Another bending moment yet again.

So sick of suckass managers.

So bored of crunching numbers all day.

Desperately want a change of scene.

A temporary reprieve.

Yet an unassuring one in face of this impending recession that which no one seem to be able to see the light of this dark dark journey ahead.

Its depressing even thinking about it.

On the other hand, I will sorely miss those I've become accustomed to and our bonds weaved along my 3 years journey in this shithole to hell.

Mixed feelings and contemplations.

Fickle.

Honestly, I can't wait to leave and be done with that woman, but various factors are holding me back.

And that's just equally depressing, knowing that I have to yet again take on the humble pie and go through another mind wrecking period.

2 years of it is enough.

I've had had enough of this.

But no, I am a weak jelly that cannot take pressure in others' eyes.

Like I give a shit about that cuz I'm not.

Endure, tolerate, put up with it (for now, AGAIN).

Have been hearing all these words since like the begining of time.

T__T

Mini frustrations.

Sigh.

Was just on the phone with boyfriend and asked if he minds me coming over for awhile after I resign.

He says no, but that I shouldn't resign so that I can come over.

Thought about it for awhile.

Nah.

Most part of the reason for my departure is being bored of the selfish ethics of ridiculous managers.

The remaining is irrefutably cuz I miss him too.

Yessss I know (duh) its not a long term solution.

Wana be spontaneously stupid again.

Of course, that is being irresponsible.

Yet here I wonder, is it a crime to be irresponsible once in awhile?

If not now, when?

When my hair turns silver or when I have serious commitments to meet?

Right now, I haven't really got much to lose.

A job is after all, just a job.

I'm bound to change one day.

Yet the nagging feeling of irresponsibility is often at the back of my head.

I cannot leave without a job.

:S

What's to say that I can find one when I return?

Especially in this trying time.

Boyfriend pointed out that I ought to make proper plans first.

Yesss I know that already.

At the cross roads of nothing, nowhere, hopeless and depressed.

Now I'm really depressed.

Great.

Shall abruptly stop now before I lose my current little peace.

Mi esposo?I like the sound of that.

2009-02-03T11:40:00.000+08:00

Yay next year's chinese new year falls on Valentine's day!

Haha boyfriend was so adorable, messaged me just to tell me that.

Heh..

Sweet~

Its been a year and yet whenever I'm with him, it still feels like a fluffy dream.

(o;

Can't believe that I've got such a lovely beau!

Awwww..

That silly goon keeps stuffing money into my wallet and worries that I do not have enough moolah.

^^

*Dreamy*

Love being pampered by him. (:

You're my unexpected.

2009-02-02T05:27:00.005+08:00

Oh gosh, Kevin like totally gets and is alright that I hate this firm and hate my superior?

Kinda half-expected him to start railing away in protest, so I didn't really wana tell him about it yet.

Awww..

Who knew he'd be okay with it in the end?

Awww..^^

Was feeling pretty blue the whole day since he returned to Hong Kong this Sunday morning.

Boohoo.

It had been a pretty crazy week and he was ever so accomodating to me, giving in to all my wants and dislikes.

() =]

But it was all better after hearing what he said and knowing what he knows.

Its late and I'm tired.

Blog more tomorrow!

Bouncing off for now!

Te amo siempre mi cariño~

Toodles!

Spiraling.

2009-02-01T00:51:00.000+08:00

In the dead of the night, my heart is sighing as I pine away for this temporary loss.

Feeling all broken up inside while wretched misery consumes over and over.

So much work has piled up again and deadlines to meet tomorrow.

The urge to leave this place is tempting, yet surely uncomforting in the face of uncertainty.

But end of all, I miss him.

:'(

Ramblings.

2009-01-24T16:34:00.002+08:00

Okay wow, that ex-ex love-less manager of mine actually managed to scour the entire world and have succeeded in leeching himself to a female.

http://mervintang.multiply.com/photos/album/44/Ubin_Trip_131208#12

That imbecelic fool has a blog?

Oh why am I not surprised at all, seeing how narcissitic that small man (with HUGE ego) is the way he is?

Anyway, anymore talk about him will just taint my sanctuary.

For anyone who has read of my past grievances and wishes to verbal-stone him, click on the link above.

Regardless, God sees all so I'll just leave it at that.

On a happier note, Kevin's coming tomorrow evening.

Mum's being ridiculous as usual, trying to restrict me from staying out with him by leaving the car home for my sister to chauffeur him to his hotel.

*Rolls eyes unbelievably*

What's to say we won't head out after checking in the hotel?

Such redundancy.

Oh well, perhaps its just their way with coping with their issues.

Oh, "Decode" is on the mtv channel now.

Suddenly have the impulse to get my hair blazing red!

But on second thought, I'll prolly look awfully ridiculous.

Hah!

My sister is singing away (chinese, yucks) songs in her room again.

Never fails to practise everyday.

Yet I wonder will she really make the mark?

Not that I wana be a wet blanket but I hardly get the vibes of her being a great singer.

Oh well, like I always say, time will tell of it.

Man "Paramore" is the punk version of "Evanescence".

When will Amy lee ever come to small small singapore?

Train of thoughts are in disarray so I'm typing away incoherently.

XD

Advert on the "The hills" is on MTV channel again.

So cheesily stupid.

Why would anyone watch the dramas of some bitches when there are live bitching all around you?

Sheesh.

My 132 pounds of sugar rush. Go figure.

2009-01-17T21:29:00.002+08:00

Okay first, Daddy, YOU SERIOUSLY NEED TO GROW UP.

And NO, I'm not being UNAPPRECIATIVE OF MY PARENTS.

Its just as normal as any other person pissing another off with ridiculous selfish acts, not to mention INFANTILE.

So fuck you and your self-thought-enlightened shit.

I AM NOTHING LIKE YOU SO FUCK THE HELL OFF WITH THAT BULL SHIT OF YOURS.

Oh FYI, try to remember this when you're dishing out advises.

Dish them out in a nice manner if you're trying to help at all, instead of getting all irritatted and taking out on me.

Especially when its the first time that you were "advising" me concerning this matter.

I'm sick of being hurled at by you for no reason (AT ALL) over your bruised ego and issues.

I HAVE TRIED TO BE A FRIEND TO YOU BUT SOMETIMES YOU PUSH MY BUTTONS TOO FAR THAT I JUST DON'T WANA SPEAK TO YOU AT ALL.

Back to point.

Sometimes I really wonder what runs through that brain of yours.

Regardless, I don't give a hoot about it or your reserved opinions.

Just cuz you're older than me doesn't make you any wiser.

I know what I am, need and want to do.

NO I DO NOT hurt and would NEVER hurt my parents like you did in your past.

So don't confuse your misdeeds with mine cuz I do not appreciate that combination.

Its just getting suckass old and annoying.

So try to amuse me with your idiocracy already.

Sheesh.

Daddy can go on with his strategy of treating me like I'm invisible for all I care.

I stand my ground for I have committed no wrong to him or the family.

He can dream on if he thinks I'm going to budge with that bloody attitude of his.

He taught his daughters well enough to know that we aren't going to give in under duress for something that isn't right at all.

It amazes me how Brenda's mum and dad takes my side on this "internal conflict".

In any case, I don't give a crap's ass about it anymore.

Not going to try and get him to talk to me either.

What's the point in that anyway?

What? Help boost more of that inflated fat ego of his?

I'll pass on that.

On with happier notes.

Anyho, Kevin is coming real soon.

^^

My 132 pounds of sugar rush.

Though its only gona be a short short week but I guess it can't be helped.

Better than nothing at all.

Can't say I'm not sulky that I'll only be seeing him in December, which is like 11 months without him.

Great.

):

Well I guess time will fly fast since I'll probably be busy with work.

Work.

Ceaseless frustrations.

Sigh I'm just going to leave it at that.

Don't wana risk this current little peace of mine.

Random thought : "Am I happy now?"

Yes.

That's good enough isn't it?

(:

The difference between complacement and content is that even when contented, one still strives for the better, whereas being complacement means rejection for improvement.

Right now, I am just really thankful that God is in my life, His blessings and his ever watchful eyes over his children

Oh and his Son (bless him) for dying over that ghastly cross.

I don't know why but I still get teared up whenever I think of that/visualize it in my head (sometimes a little too vividly).

(:

Back to work!

Memoirs.

2009-01-07T22:52:00.012+08:00

Sigh.

I'm so happy even after returning from Hong Kong.

Why?

Cuz Kevin's coming over real soon!

*Eeep!

And he is ever so sweet to me, despite his occassional annoyance that is quickly rectified when I get really upset.

Honestly, I am ever so happy we got back together and its been a year already!

*Yay! Yay!

Although he doesn't have that much time for me, I know he tries to make it extra special and goes the extra mile just to see me smile and in utmost comfort.

Ohhhhh he got me the cellphone that I'd been thinking about for the longest time, Nokia E71 (white)!

Totally in love with this cellphone and so selling away the lousy htc touch dual that persistently refuses to corporate with me.

Good riddance and hello new cellphone!

So about the trip..

Overall, it was pretty nothing short of amazing accompanied with a tad bit of boredem now and then (cuz I'm mostly at home waiting for Kevin to come home after work).

Gawd I miss being there already and got incredibly sluggish this Monday morning.

Guess I was getting too comfy to their way of life that I'd temporarily forgotten Singapore's fast pace.

Kevin says to invite Brenda and Chantel over when they're free and I thought it would be cool to have them over and we could hang and have fun (like we always do whenever we head out) while and if Kevin has to work.

Side note, Brenda and Chantel were all psyched up about it when I told them and Ednamummy said it was a great idea (probably so that I can take them off her hands haha).

Well we'll see how it goes since its gona be another 11 months before that happens.

Back to point.

Kevin's mum says that she'd love to have them over too.

Such a hospitable mum! :)

It was awesome hanging out with his mum and brother when I was there.

There were two nights that we'd stayed up just chatting about random stuffs from everything under the stars.

Haha and I so loved teasing his brother cuz he was kinda shy which is sooo darn cute!

So is Kevin's dad, though we didn't really chat much cuz of the communication barrier, me not understanding cantonese and sucking at mandarin.

Buuutttt his mum helps translate whatever his dad says, so I still got what he says (jokes most of the time).

His dad loves cracking jokes and feigning "jealousy" over his son's meticulous care over me.

Heh~

All in all, I guess I'm much closer to Kevin's mum, seeing how we chat almost every night.

Oh oh then I got sick (for 4 days boohoo) while I was there and Kevin's mum brought me to the doctors and made me warm milk!

Like wow, this is the first time I've gotten warm milk and it tastes yum (!)!

Kevin was really thoughtful (and smart to know that I'd wanted to go to the clinic alone so as not to disturb his mum) to wake his mum up even though he was busy at work.

*I'm in utter bliss~

I really like his mum alot cuz she has such a warm personality that anyone would love to open themselves to her.

She even insisted and had braved the morning cold breezes just to get me hot piping breakfast!

I.Am.So.Touched.

And so awfully guilty for taking her time off sleep and the troubles when I fell ill.

Man I'd love to go there again soon!

Oh another note, I'd just splurged (again) S$80 at Borders again.

Had a major guilt trip and messaged Kevin about it.

That silly boy replied that he'd pay for it.

Such a sweet notion..(of course I'd rejected it since he's spent so much on me already)

In retrospect and right now, I am very very happy and over the heels in love still with him.

(;

Utter disappointment.

2008-12-28T00:15:00.006+08:00

Just like the name states, utter disappointment.

This day was supposed to be a day of sweet nostalgia, rememberance of the beginning.

Sadly, it was a disappointment.

I don't know whether I'm being melodramatic at this point, but I sure feel like bull poop right now.

Yea sure, I am fully aware of the high stress levels and humiliations that he faces at work, but I've had a fair share of that crappiness too.

Haven't I faced obnoxious clients who screamed away (for nothing just cuz she was in a foul mood and needed to take it out on somebody) in my face, in front of her junior staffs for 2 hours on its first day of audit?

Haven't I been insinuated as being stupid and not up to par to sometimes ridiculous standards of that impotent fucker face?

Now tell me if I understand what you're going through.

Alright, I suppose his stress load is heavier than mine since its on a daily basis.

But again, I am only your girlfriend and our time together is already short enough as it is.

I honestly can say that I do not ask very much of you.

At all.

Not alot of your time at the very least.

Today we ended up quarrelling and in bitter tears.

I was and still am gripeful over the fact that he seems to be starting to lose the basic mutual respect.

I find it distasteful that you are becoming to be not mindful of your attitude towards me.

Especially in front of your family.

I love you, but it does not empower you that much right to be this way.

Just like you, I have my own pride and dignity, and am certainly not one to take this unbecoming attitude lightly.

Out of these 14 days, all I've ever asked for is a minimal 2 days leave from work.

Furthermore, I came at the expense of my parents' wrath and cold shoulders.

Now ask me if it hurts and do I mind this obscure future of ours?

Yes.

Now ask yourself again whether you should be making me this upset.

I find it rather rude and unfeeling of you that you want me to be all that normal again once you've cooled off when I haven't.

Doesn't it strike you that you're being a perfect selfish being?

I don't know what to say from herein on.

Just really am upset with you and thinking about it just makes me wana cry more.

I hope I can sleep this off.

Pleasant nightmares mi santurio.

Get a hold on your nonsense already.

2008-12-16T00:09:00.002+08:00

Like the title reads, Get a hold on your nonsense already.

Noo the world doesn't evolve around you.

Rather, it MOVES away from you what with your spitfire temper these days.

I am NEITHER your wrath doll, where you can thrash your anger on, NOR your obliged listener.

I LISTEN to your stuffs cuz you are my FRIEND.

I am NOT paid to do the above mentioned.

So buzz off if you're going to continue treating me this way.

And what's up with the "Go ask your super manager smelly man la".

YES that CONSTITUTES AS A REDUNDANT COMMENT.

Well if you're not in a helping mood, then don't.

No I am not being over-sensitive.

I have been tolerant towards your constant anger around me and accepting your negativity.

All the while trying to lighten you up.

But nooo you prefer to continue on.

Fine.

Go on then.

Make your day with a good ol' cup of negative vibes.

(:

My sanctuary.

2008-12-15T02:10:00.002+08:00

This little webspace beholds all of my truest thoughts and much of my angst.

I've wondered how people can live with it, encircling themselves in the lies that snowballs needlessly.

Is it really that difficult to just be yourself, live it up and be happy just because?

Its like I've been sitting on the bench while witnessing "players" come away with their excessive deception on the "field" called world.

I really think its just too much work and way taxing to keep up with a lie.

Who knows one day, you'll just forget about it and slip up?

Oh well, life goes on regardless of how unscrupulous the human society is.

Soo to veer away from this, I enjoy very much my self-proclaimed "Society-takeouts".

Society takeouts refers to days where I stay out of contact, sight and reach from everyone.

Having alone time is good remedy when life hits a bump cuz its the time where you reflect and be able to hear everything.

By everything, I mean everything like from the sound of the dog's barking away or how my air condition sometimes creeks.

Most importantly, I get to cut myself away from both societal and sympathetic restraints.

Let's just say when it rains, it pours.

There's so much negativity around me these days that its kinda sad.

Some people don't deserve what they got and I honestly feel that they are a good lot who should have better than what is given now.

Buuttt God has his ways and sees all.

Trust.

For each stumble, every little fall, He plants it there for us to learn something from it.

Good or bad is just a matter of the person in view of it.

Sometimes all it takes is to look at the whole picture and one will find that life is the most wonderous gift that He has ever bestowed.

No gift is more beautiful than life itself.

Okay this doesn't sound like me at all.

I'm just having one of those unexplainable moments of peace.

I'm gona hit the sack now before I start writing rubbishtic stuffs and ruin this entry.

Ps : God, I do not know what is going on with him but he seems to be pretty down in the dumps. Please help him. I know you will so thanks a bunch. (:

Mortification.

2008-12-13T03:07:00.004+08:00

Now that the whole debacle with mum has died down, I'm having guilt trips.

Yea I know my parents dote on me and I really am supposed to give in to them.

Mum did carry me for 9 months and she could've chucked me out the window and aborted me.

Just like this song, I don't wish for the day on her deathbed to regret not saying sorry to her and fawning after her like a filial kid is supposed to be.

Ahhh I'm totally burnt from working out continuouosly these couple of days.

Abruptly bumming out now.

I SINCERELY BESEECH ALL OF YOUR FORGIVENESS.

2008-12-12T23:54:00.004+08:00

ALRIGHTY!

I have decided that maybe I should die alone to make EVERYONE AROUND ME HAPPY AND IN BLISS.

WHY?

CUZ EVERYONE ISN'T TOO HAPPY ABOUT ME BEING WITH KEVIN.

OH WHY AGAIN?

CUZ I'M A STUPID SHIT WHO IS THROWING HER LIFE AWAY FOR A OVERSEAS BOYFRIEND.

NOW WHAT IS THE ISSUE ABOUT HAVING A OVERSEAS BOYFRIEND?

I MIGHT END UP GETTING HURT.

YES.

I NEED TO BE PUT IN A BUBBLE OF ABUNDANT SECURITY TO BLOCK ANY EXTERNAL THREATS TO MY LIFE.

YES, I SEEM TO BE A DAFT SHIT WHO WILL GIVE AWAY HER LIFE, HER MONEY, HER ASPIRATIONS, HER TIME and HER BREATHE FOR HER BOYFRIEND.

WOW.

I DIDN'T REALISE I GIVE OUT SUCH SHITTY VIBES.

I AM SO SORRY EVERYONE.

PLEASE FORGIVE MY STUPIDITY.

I MEAN PLEASE!

FOR REAL, I AM BEGGING FOR EVERYONE'S FORGIVENESS.

YES I DO MEAN E.V.E.R.Y.O.N.E.

SAVE ME FROM THIS "DOOMED" RELATIONSHIP.

YES PLEASE DO!

I AM ON THE VERGE OF NON-EXISTENCE ALREADY.

Monotonous, yet gratifying two weeks.

2008-12-08T20:44:00.002+08:00

Alrighty it is official.

I have the concentration lifespan of a hamster.

I could barely keep my hands away from my laptop, tv and beeeddddd.

Ahhh I've been dreaming of this break for the longest time.

To not have to pry my ass out of my impossibly comfy bed.

Annnddd I dread going back to work tomorrow.

To think just hours ago, I would have happily traded studying for work.

Hahaha.

God had had to just make women just fickle creatures.

Alrighty, I shall take my leave and hit the sack early for once.

Good luck with your final exam on friday baby! ^^

Te amo siempre (;

Bind by your lies and hide away.

2008-12-06T23:08:00.004+08:00

Oh COME ON GET REAL NOW.

QUIT lying through your teeth cuz I can see RIGHT THROUGH YOU!

Tell yourself what you want but I know what is really going on.

So stay the fuck off!

You're a fucking pathetic poser and deep down you know it!

GOD?

YOU ARE WORSE OFF!

AT LEAST I KNOW WHAT I AM AND LIVE IT UP.

YOU?

YOU ARE TOO CAUGHT UP IN YOUR OWN LITTLE LIES TO LIVE YOUR OWN!

SCREAM ON!

NO ONE WILL HEED YOU!

SO FUCK YOU AND YOUR LIES!

2008-12-06T03:41:00.002+08:00

Two words : Total abstinence.

I rest my case.

Where is my epiphany?

2008-12-01T01:52:00.009+08:00

Heedless of the voice inside for too long, that I've lost the ability to discern if the whispers in my head are of my own wretched thoughts.

Once upon in past years, the calling was pristine clear, not even the slightest smudge of taint.

An impaired decision perhaps?

Alas, Time does not permit recollection of our errors as it serves no purpose to all, if allowed so.

What lesson then will be born and learnt if not otherwise?

The air seems heavy on this night as it gradually comes to a standstill.

A short reprieve.

_________________________________________________

An old friend added me on hi5 a couple of days back.

Was rather apprehensive about this new addition.

Things didn't exactly end very well between us.

Of course, I am to be faulted for that.

I got all twisted by this incredulous irk that suddenly washed over and assumed control of my sanity.

Sounds like bad excuse doesn't it?

Perhaps his negative vibes was simply too much for me to take, that I wish not to partake in furthering a deeper friendship.

Finally decided to accept that request today.

Although I am truly sorry over the whole debacle, I am hardly regrettable about it.

Time for him to know that things just aren't going to work out.

Nonetheless, it certainly does not discount him as a close confidante.

On a side note, despite of him being a good friend, I disliked the bit where he puts others down.

I get the reproachable feeling that he does that to boost his faltering ego.

With that said, his self-esteem seemed pretty low at that point of time.
_________________________________________________

In some very sick way, I actually MISS working.

I'm becoming lazy-bones in this extended supposed study break.

Hardly touched the books.

Lord help me concentrate for the next 96 hours.

O;

Self restraint and composure.

2008-11-30T00:32:00.003+08:00

This is so like you, I so think its the force of habit.

I've touched very little on the subjects so puhlease feel free to keep your anxieties to yourself.

I'lll just panick (predictably), cranky and not be able to absorb a single morsel of the topics.

Please...Blast away the television while I'm trying to study.

Thank you thank you.

Side note, "Black Friday turns deadly at a New York Wal-mart, Wal-mart employee TRAMPLED TO DEATH by shoppers."

Talk about vicious shopaholics.

Yikes.

http://perezhilton.com/category/sad-sad/

Hilarity ensues.

2008-11-29T00:38:00.003+08:00

Was jabbing at the remote for interesting channels, finally deciding on MTV.

"Real world xx : Hollywood" had a perfectly good mix of bitchiness, reality and airheads.

Haha now I understand why reality shows are the epitome of entertainment.

Well maybe the producers and them "norms" are in league, but it sure is kick ass funny.

XD

There was a part where a girl's panties (Sarah) got stolen by airhead guy.

She got so ticked off that she decided to exact vengenance by hogging on the phone when airhead guy wanted to use it.

Buttt of course that wasn't the nice part.

Oh no.

The sweetest part about it was that panties-stolen-girl's boyfriend told her that he is behind her to whatever she does.

Of course airhead guy (Greg), being the male-airheaded-chauvanist-dim-witted-dung, told admirable boyfriend that, quote :"..let her mould you like this?", ie. he was a whimp for letting Sarah lord over him.

HAHA.

Classic example of bitch-slappable infantile actions.

Admirable boyfriend retorted that, I quote, "She can mould me however she likes", before slamming the door in his face.

NICE!

Ps : Greg is a major himbo and has fugly HUGE nimples! Good lord!Don't go naked in the show again! Yikes!

Welcome to my soap story.

2008-11-25T23:24:00.003+08:00

Deception or was it only but a facet of her ever-evolving stories?

I can so feel the love at home right now.

My sister hates me, and yes at the moment I do too.

God knows why.

So I've said hurtful things, so did she to I.

She has nothing but grudges against me.

Yes that's what I'm feeling now.

Don't wana open up to your only sister in the world?

Alright, go cry away to those godly friends of yours.

Yes, they can help you attain nirvana and reach heaven with their preaches.

Lord knows how much help you need, what with your persistent spite and angst.

My mum?

She's becoming as shrewd, or sly, as my dad is.

Twisting words and stories to amplify the gravity of her pittance.

Oh no, she treats me good alright, yet it doesn't ease the betrayal.

Here I am, depicted the most worthless child, they'd ever had.

An entity that they had to worry about, feed, put up with for 23 years of their lives.

Oh don't be mistaken.

I am grateful that they brought me up.

I'm not even going to whine about them.

No.

I'm just stating facts as it is.

Mum has issues with me not giving her monthly allowance.

Why do I not and why is she gripeful about it?

First off, I do not because I hardly see the need to since they are reaping quite a fair bit in their business.

Secondly, I am paying for my own degree fees.

Not like sis had to when she was in university.

Side note, she never fails to remind what a let-down of a daughter I am for not being able to enter university.

Anyway, am I grumpy that I'm paying for my own fees?

Nope.

It is my responsiblity and I get that duh.

Third, they are only demanding allowance from ME and not my sister who is, by the way, earning a tad bit more than I am.

Alright, let's not talk about equality.

I'm just gona focus on nothing now.

Beyond words.

A drop in the ocean, a change in the weather, I was praying that you and me might end up together.

2008-11-18T22:45:00.002+08:00

Feels like I haven't been writing for the longest time.

Not postitively anyway.

Kevin just left for Osaka (he calls it "Okasha", *sniggers*) this morning.

The thing that enthralls me most is the simplest acts that he does for me.

Like calling me just so I can hear his voice (whenever he leaves Hong Kong) before his flight.

Random messages of affection.

Calling me for no particular reason just to tell me "I love you".

I miss him already..

Thank god he brought his mini laptop.

Chatted with him for abit.

He came back to the room after dinner so that he could catch me online.

Why?

Cuz he misses me.

*Eep*

I'm a total sucker for romance and its little notions.

Estoy enamorada de ti

Pink!All time rock star!I really think every girl out there should liken themselves to her.Girls are SOOOOoooo OVERRATED!

2008-11-18T00:38:00.003+08:00

Pink - So What (HQ)

Na Na Na Na Na Na Na
Na Na Na Na Na Na
Na Na Na Na Na Na Na
Na Na Na Na Na Na

I guess i just lost my husband
I don't know where he went
So I'm gonna drink my money
I'm not gonna pay his rent (Nope)
I got a brand new attitude
And I'm gonna wear it tonight
I wanna get in trouble
I wanna start a fight

Na Na Na Na Na Na Na
I wanna start a fight
Na Na Na Na Na Na Na
I wanna start a fight

So so what?
I'm still a rock star
I got my rock moves
And I don't need you
And guess what
I'm having more fun
And now that we're done
I'm gonna show you tonight
I'm alright, I'm just fine
And you're a tool
So so what?
I am a rock star
I got my rock moves
And i don't want you tonight

Uh, check my flow, uh

The waiter just took my table
And gave to Jessica Simp - Shit!
I guess I'll go sit with drum boy
At least he'll know how to hit
What if this song's on the radio
Then somebody's gonna die
I'm gonna get in trouble
My ex will start a fight

Na Na Na Na Na Na Na
He's gonna start a fight
Na Na Na Na Na Na Na
We're all gonna get in a fight!

So so what?
I'm still a rock star
I got my rock moves
And I don't need you
And guess what
I'm having more fun
And now that we're done
I'm gonna show you tonight
I'm alright, I'm just fine
And you're a tool
So so what?
I am a rock star
I got my rock moves
And i don't want you tonight

You weren't there
You never were
You want it all
But that's not fair
I gave you love
I gave my all
You weren't there
You let me fall

So so what?
I'm still a rock star
I got my rock moves
And I don't need you
And guess what
I'm having more fun
And now that we're done (we're done)
I'm gonna show you tonight
I'm alright(I'm alright),I'm just fine (I'm just fine)
And you're a tool
So so what?
I am a rock star
I got my rock moves
And i don't want you tonight

No No, No No
I Don't want you tonight
You weren't there
I'm gonna show you tonight
I'm alright, I'm just fine
And you're a tool
So so what?
I am a rock star
I got my rock moves
And i don't want you tonight

Ba da da da da da

Don't come to me for answers for I have none to offer.

2008-11-10T02:37:00.002+08:00

Oh get a grip on yourselves people!

Goodness you're practically swimming in negativity and unbelievably basking in self-loathe.

When I try dishing advises, I get snapped at because little ol' you cannot take brutal truth.

No, you expect me to welcome you with open arms and wallow with you in your self-pittance.

Sorry, not going to happen.

Keep dreaming kid.

I keep my trap shut, I am depicted as the disconcerted friend.

For real, you so need to take a good look at yourselves and see what I see.

Period.

What is wrong with you guys???

HOW is it that Javier who is doing FINE, and yes he is alone by the way, does not complain as much???

I find it rather appalling that you find yourself in a situation much less off than him.

Good god!

Will you grow up?

You fell into this pithole, you extricate yourself from it.

Freaking dense idiots.

Answers.

All you want are pretty answers that harbours no underlying complications.

READ the title.

I am almost half the shithead as you are.

So there.

Monstrous expectations of responding to your preposterous queries or wanting answers to your your assignments!

Do I look like a freaking encyclopedia to you?

Or some sucker who will do your work while you claim the credit?

Where in the world has your brains gone to!?!

Surely you've not defecated it?!?!

It must be somewhere in your anatomy so go find it.

Try your ass, you'll prolly have higher chances of locating it at first attempt.

Every time we say goodbye I wish we had one more kiss.I'll wait for you I promise you, I will.

2008-11-01T02:01:00.004+08:00

Let the music fill the air..I shan't let the nasty vibes get to me.

To worry is to sin, to fret is to commit a crime.

Shall try to let these go and see how it comes and goes.

He sees all into all of our lives, be it good and bad.

I will need to curb this nasty grouchy temper.

Too many words hurled without much filtration.

Not directly of course.

Well seldom unless I can't help it. () =]

I'm happy now.

With you and all the places that awaits our venture.

Next stop, Hong Kong again!

Next next stop, France perhaps?

Or Spain!

*Eeep!*

Who knows what mum and dad thinks about then?

Neway, daddy still isn't speaking to me, only snaps at me when I asked where mum was.

Oh well, he has some parting issues to deal with.

Prolly needs more time than average man.

Heh.

Ahhh Men and their chauvanistic ways.

Both charming and frustrating at the same time.

Though on a darker note, women are such living contradictions as well.

Men, can't live with them, can't live without them either.

Now it marks the 10th months we are together.

Being in love is akin to riding a roller-coaster, a concoction of exhilaration, mad adrenaline rush, fear, wind rushing through your ears like choo-choo train, etc, etc.

Though it is short of one element in the mix.

Exasperation.

That occurs at some points of time.

That's the wholeee point of it isn't it?

It tickles to see his anxiety, the constant fuss, doleful gaze, minor reprimands over microscopic stuffs.

Just everything really.

I reckon this is what it feels like to really free fall in love.

To love another is as good as sky-diving.

To have a loved one reciprocate the feelings shared represents the parachute opening without a hitch.

To have not been returned that exact emotion passed on represents a torn parachute, damning its diver to impending doom.

A hard crush of bones upon touch down.

Alright, its 2.24am and I am just rambling again.

Adios mi santuario.

Te quiero mucho kevin y te necesito tu cariño.

Echo de menos a mi cariño ~

Buenas noches..

This is getting personal.

2008-10-29T21:05:00.005+08:00

Good lord, what is wrong with you?

You got yourself in this mess,you get yourself out of it!

Quit whining about how it makes you lose appetite and how it hurts.

That woman is a downright whore and you know it!

Not to mention that that dope of a husband doesn't know that she's having external affairs!?!?

Relationships are sometimes sooo over-rated!

Good God!

Is there nothing more to everyone's eyes aside from LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE?!?

What is soo difficult about being alone???

I was for 2 years and I managed fine?!?

What makes them and myself so different??

Oh get a grip on yourself already!

Quit wallowing in self-pittance and pick yourself up!

I know how hard it is to fall out of love but I got up on my own and I certainly did not whine on and on and on about it!

Don't think for 1 second that you are the most pitiful soul in this world, cuz you and I know that you are not.

Things happen for a reason because He has plans for us!

If it is not meant to be then leave with grace!

Or angst, whichever helps you abandon this emotional baggage better!

Oh don't go giving me that crap about how I do not understand now that I've got Kevin.

That is just unfair and you know it.

Two words dude, "Grow up".

Until the day the world will cease to exist unless every human is in love, then move on!

Sigh...

Bloody stifling me with the ridiculous sorry of an excuse soap stories.

On another note, daddy is just being wayyy immature!

And so is mummy, what with her siding daddy!

Good lord, he is brainwashing my mum into some bimbo who will listen to her husband and none other.

My parents can be so mental at times.

Not to mention heartless daddy.

Daddy coldly told me off when I uncontrollably threw up (from food poisioning/gastric flu, either one) in the living room, exclaiming that he was still eating.

What in the world?!?!?!

Then mum has to come and rub in somemore about how it troubles her whenever I come back from any outings.

Dear God, please remind them that they should be thankful they have 2 sensible kids who :

1) Don't sleep around
2) Works and are not brats who demands money from family
3) Have a decent education
4) Have brains enough to pursue further education
5) Have a decent job
6) Have enough sense to not think that all they need is love to survive

Point #6, totally represents half of the woman I know.

Ugh.

So I love Kevin!

Who knows what might happen in the future??

I might be with him for the rest of my life, or maybe not?

There are bigger fools out there with a great degree of stupidity and I can only say I refuse to be one of them.

Well, I am certainly not clairvoyant to foretell the future.

I'm just living the moment, taking things as it comes.

All I know right now is that we love each other and that is all there is to it for now.

Vids vids!

2008-10-12T23:36:00.005+08:00

Oh daddy, grow up already.

2008-10-10T21:53:00.000+08:00

Clearly daddy is still griping over the fact that I went Hong Kong on my own to look for Kevin.

Daddy, grow up already.

My goodness.

Now he is taking little revenges, ie. cancelling the cartoon tv channels and still not speaking to me.

Oh tonight was a major bonus, something new in fact.

New stunt, kudos to you daddy.

Perhaps it wasn't on purpose, but gut feeling tells me he did it intentionally.

He got my sister an I-phone and when she opened her present, he was OBSERVING my reactions to it.

Of course I was indifferent cuz hey its just a cellphone.

I spoil expensive things anyway so no big about it.

Its not like I was lusting after it anyway.

For real.

But he was a major ass about it.

Ugh.

Grow up daddy.

I'm flying again soon and you have soooo got to deal with it.

I will always love you but you have to learn to let go sometimes.

Pictures pictures! (Parental guidance advised for some pictures haha)

2008-10-07T23:13:00.046+08:00

Ps : Photographs are all courtesy of Kevin's insistence on taking pictures. Which turned all quite well. :D

Sweep me off my feet again, I adore the feeling of being in love.

2008-10-06T23:40:00.014+08:00

Okay this is supposed to be "Kevin & me" time, but this bugger-itch-off-the-ass is twitching my last nerves.

This stupid dick, named TOMMY (talk about tacky names, pfft) is like a fucking hobo in constant hobo action.

Stupid dick harrassed me for my pictures before, that which of course was refused cuz he was a downright pain in the butt.

Now he asks incredulous questions (AND ITS SUPPOSED TO BE A JOKE) to, I quote, "Got any pretty girls to intro haha".

My response?

"When Men are successful and full of aspirations, girls will naturally be attracted without such means ;)"

Of course, those with brains would catch the tint of sarcasm.

But no.

This dick replies "Haha r u trying to say I am not successful... Haha just kidding".

Someone get the gullotine and put him there!

Good lord!

Have I ever seen shithead as daft as this?

Yes, but to this extent?

Rarely, but it still annoys me nonetheless.

I suppose their only trains of thoughts goes through their pathetic minute ding-dongs for ball-less douche bags like him who messages me when they are downright bored out during NS.

These dolts ought to be shot.

Seriously for heaven's sakes, grow some balls and stave off the urges to harrass people with silly redundant questions.

Like I would be insane enough to push one of my girlfriends into THIS gutter pit.

By gutter pit, I meant him.

Sheesh.

Anyway, back to point.

Due to unforeseen circumstances, I was too dead out tired to blog yesterday so here goes..

I was so happy everyday for the 10 days that I was so reluctant to leave and sorely tempted to stay when Kevin's dad teased.

Note: His parents are hilarious folks and his brother is adorably blur.

Everything about this trip made me not want to leave him on Sunday.

I had secretly half-hoped that there'd be a typhoon #8, so that all flights would be cancelled and I would have excuse to bath in pure happiness for another day!

Alas, God would not have of it since my boss would probably go crazy if he'd knew I wasn't coming back.

Or so I'd thought.

Turns out that he was on leave the day I got back to work.

-.-"

Talk about irony.

Anyhow, this isn't about my boss or my work.

Its about Kevin, his family and how incredibly happy I was during my stay there.

Kevin's dad surprised me during the last few days of the trip when he finally spoke more.

Kevin once told me that his dad wasn't much of a linguist and mainly converses in the native language, Cantonese.

Anyhow, Kevin's mum, told me that his dad asked her if I was having fun for the past 10 days and that if I was then I should not leave and consider staying!

Here I thought that it would never be repeated by him personally and he surprised me by doing that when we designated the airport.

!!!!

Kevin has such a funny dad. (;

I had thought it'd be awkward to be staying with them that I got the jitters about meeting them at first.

Not that I hadn't met them before but its different this time cuz I'd been msning with his mum alot and although it is fun chatting with her on msn, it is a different thing to converse real life.

Or so I'd worried.

Nah, his mum has a really warm personality and even his brother who was blur half the time warmed up to me.

All in all, he is really blessed to have his family.

So is he to his family, mostly on his nice temper occassions.

(; *hint hint*

Anyhow, back to point again.

I'd thought of surprising him on the 26th but I'd stupidly given the game away when I whined about having a bad day and that my dad totally flipped when I told him I was flying the next day (friday).

I didn't even realised that, not till he told me about it.

I thought his mum told him about it so that he could better prepare his time for me and I felt awfully guilty about that.

On the other hand, he decided to surprise me at the airport that night instead.

By God's will, both our plans backfired cuz I couldn't find his mum who was supposed to be picking me up from the airport and I caved when I started to panick a little.

Called him on his cell and asked him where he was.

Apparently, both of us missed each other at the arrival hall.

He, however still managed to pass off a shock of my life when he tapped (if memory serves me right) me from behind, armed with a bouquet of flowers!

Flowers again!

Like Dawndawn says, he sure does know how to treat a girl right.

Although its impractically expensive, I still loved the notion of it.

Haha.

What...no I'm not particularly crazy over flowers, but I am particularly crazy over such novelties.

:D

Anyho, there is just too much for me to blog about everything that made the 10 days a total bliss for me so I'm just going to write the gist of it.

I guess the memory that is deeply etched in mind was my birthday celebration.

This boy misled me into thinking that we were going to some restaurant somewhere at "Tung Chung", when we got off at "Sunny Bay" instead, where Hong Kong disneyland is.

I half-guessed that we were to dine at Disneyland but it didn't strike me that it'd be this impressively lovely.

Kevin had made reservations at a restaurant at one of Disneyland's resort.

Oh my god I was giggling non-stop when he nodded furiously (figuratively speaking) at the receptionist who was trying to confirm his reservation through his cellphone number.

XD

We got settled down and went off to get started on the buffet.

Oh-My-God.

The buffet was equally adorable!

The potatoes were carved in Mickey's impressions, the chocolate (I assume) statue was carved in Halloween theme, there were Jack-o'-lanterns hang virtually at every stall, Mickey desserts and CHOCOLATE FONDUE FOUNTAIN!

OH.

MY.

GOD.

How cool was that???

And I got to make my own ice cream!

Though I was too stuffed to polish it off.

:D

So many other cooler things but I wana point out the surprises that got me all teared up.

So yea, Kevin told me that dining at Disneyland was the first surprise.

I reckoned that there'd be more and I foolishly thought that I'd be prepared enough not to go all teary when it comes.

But noooooooooooooooo.

The next second, he excused himself to the washroom and within a few minutes came back with yet another bouquet of flowers!

Like Oh-my-god.

He has spent soooooo much on me already and here he is with yet another bouquet of roses??

Alright, that I could deal with.

Staved off the emotions that was riding up.

After the first round of food, I could not resist the dessert temptations.

Haha.

I was like a total kid!

I didn't want the real food, cuz to me chocolates and such are!

Haha.

So my second serving were filled with cakes, chocolate-covered marshmallows with strawberries and Mickey jellies!

Yum!

(I'll load the pictures later on and yes I am still paying my dues for allowing myself to stuff my face in such evil delicacies. Oh put a foot in it already.)

Dear Kevin started to worry over my field time with the desserts that I wouldn't be able to have my birthday cake that he got round to getting it to me asap.

Of course, back then I didn't know I had one.

I was whining the whole day about not having a cake on my birthday.

Hey it is like a tradition for me to have at least one cake on my birthday.

Haha.

So here I was happily tasting every morsel of my desserts when two little caucasian boys came up to me with MY BIRTHDAY CAKE!

SHAPED IN MICKEY, TOTALLY CHOCOLATE AND WITH A MICKEY TABLET!

Then Kevin, the kids and the waitress started singing me my birthday song!

Oh my god, my heart couldn't contain the excitement and tears just rolled off my cheeks before I knew it.

I was soooo embarrassed and yet sooooo blissfully elated at the same time!

Now ask me again why I love this man so much?

^^

[Oh oh! PS : We managed to catch the performance by "Cirque Du Soleil", the famous circus troupe!AND IT WAS OH-MY-GOD-AMAZING!]

Heart gripping job scope.

2008-09-23T01:23:00.003+08:00

For real.

Will the real slutasswhores please stand up, please stand up?

*plays Eminem - Stan song in the background*

I don't really know why but I seem to have such an affinity for bloodsuckers.

Yea and its not the one on the down low monthly kind.

No, I'm like a international magnet to all weirdos, wack jobs or insanes.

Dear Lord, this bloody woman is really sucking all of my blood.

To cut to the chase, I totally concur with the majorities' perception of "grads are useless bums, not to mention cocky for some", well save for some exceptions.

Although, what personally gripes at me is that she is so pretenticious and plays the damsel-in-distress-whilst-I'm-the-supposed-monster card.

That of course strangled even more of my nerves today and made me even more reluctant to teach her.

Bloody smart-aleck wishes to get smart eh?

Well fine by me.

Time shall tell of it.

Just like it had for that smelly woman whose charade got torn down so fast before one could say "Landwhore!".

Regardless.

I was quite peeving mad this afternoon until I'd recall what my sister always did in faze of this eyeballing facade.

She'd scold the b****h hard on *ditto that for me* and disregards of others' gossips.

Which reminded me.

Since when did I care?

Haha.

Oh yea its going to well up and crush me tenfold sometime later but ahh what the heck.

Life is short.

You are fucked.

God will smite your ass and burn you on like the bacon (ooo apt description) on the grill.

Then again, what are we to do with the lard?

Oh yes, the soil always needs a good fertilising.

Wait.

THE LARD?

Nah.

The soil will probably choke on it and die like a greedy butterfly overstuffed with pollen.

Exasperations.

2008-09-16T21:25:00.004+08:00

Okay I am in major need to rant and nobody in their clear mind will probably hear me out so here I am.

First off, what is it with women and peeing all over the goddamn toilet seat and floor?

Seriously, these women need to install a dick or something to help better their aiming.

Good lord!

And I'm not even talking about aunties, but rather office ladies!

Shocking isn't it?

Tsktsk.

Girls you should be in utter shame for not even being bashful about it.

Anyway, that's not the main rant of the day.

Just that it has been haunting my everyday thoughts since forever and I was just too lazy to jot it down.

Main rant of the day : MUMSYS.

Apparently, the common belief that not all elderly people have robust recollective memories does not apply to mumsy dearest.

She still has the misconception that I still owe her 2 grand for the loan I had requested from her ages ago.

Which by the very peeving way I had already fully repaid.

How could I not when she keeps throwing the "You still owe me $$, when are you going to pay?" in my face whenever I see her.

That is so much so that I daren't purchase any personal stuffs until I had repaid my debt to her.

Thus, I made it a point to repay every single cent of it when salary/bonus comes in.

Clearly, repaying her by 3-4 installments wasn't such a great idea because it doesn't help jog her memories since she didn't receive it in a lump sum.

Hello?

Kept droning on and on about how I don't understand/remember that I hadn't done so.

That I still owe her.

Fine, yes I still owe her.

I owe her my life and all the money that she'd spent on me.

No, this is not written out of spite, but I truly agree with the above statement.

Still, I couldn't suppress the urge to just walk away before I blew my top and end up not speaking for days.

Not that I mind since we don't see each other much aside from weekends, considering how I have school and everything.

At the end of the day, it would have still mattered cuz the guilt trips would insistently claw at my brains.

That and there's the sister issue.

What is it with her and her assholic temper?

Hello I am your sister, not your bloody punching bag to vent at when you've got a foul day at work.

I have those days too but I do not recall taking it out on you.

Bloody unloved woman snaps at every little question I ask.

She makes it a major turnoff to even speak to her.

Do not understand how it is she can be so soothing and loving towards her stupid girlfriends who wants to go all suicidal or something when the boyfriend breaks up with her and not be able to drop that malicious tone and every-annoying-frown-that-she-makes-whenever I ask her something.

Honestly, do you know what I think?

I think she really isn't getting enough love out there and is taking it out on me.

Hello?

Please go fuck someone hard and fufill your inner dissatisfactions.

And why is it ever so difficult to arrange for a lunch/breakfast out on the weekend?

Ohhh so miss all high and mighty deems it demeaning for her to reply her own flesh and blood sister's messages huh?

Fine!

To hell with it then.

If you wish to be the perpetual bloody (I mean it literally too) bitch, then by all means go on.

I cannot be bothered anymore.

Just don't cry when I die in an accident or something cuz I will be laughing (hysterically) at you instead of being touched.

No I am not being pessismistic.

It is what it is and anyone can die anyday.

Ugh whatever.

Fuck it.

I don't give a shitass damn about the fact that I'm not spending my birthday with family.

Its very much alright.

Nary a frown and live freely.

2008-09-08T02:10:00.006+08:00

They possess such distasteful art, the skills of deceit and manipulation.

To have to shy away from reality, behind the many painted lies that was thought to be safely tucked away.

Sadly, such is never a truth for it was and had been for all to bear witness.

Will they ever surpass this step of emotional distraught?

Turn off the lights and we are all but the same.

Why still commit a crime that is obvious will catch up on you one day?

Is it not good enough to live a dignified life, as He would have been proud of?

Lies slithered through seething teeth.

It is ever so easy to fall into temptations, to give mock of others' account for the superficial reward of everyone's awe and disbelief.

Whatever has happened to goodwill, loyalty and faith?

To have faith is to have hope, and in that love will come our way.

Yet even faith now seems to be a flailing element.

Nunquam reliquiae redire:carpe omniem impremis.Stercus accidit. [Never go back for seconds : Take things on the first time. Shit happens.]

2008-09-03T00:06:00.007+08:00

I reckon its about time that I divert away from my books and pen my thoughts down before my brain is massively overloaded.

Not a very good place to be when it isn't up and working.

One would think that there is a resident escapee loose from the asylum, that being me of course.

Ahhh, so much time has been spent drooling on the pretty little things depicted in the fantasy conjured up by the marvelling words borne from utter creativity.

You'd be surprised how it can take you to places and renew faith in ways so intricately construed that it burns into one's metaphysical self.

Alright, enough worshipping God's creation.

There are simply uncountable thoughts that are waiting to be ticked off my mental checklist.

Weird how it is that I can recall mundane thoughts and yet be a memory handicap.

Guess I'm adept only at grasping my own think-tanks than striving to store world's pointless vanity.

Vanity here is spoken with a certain degree of vagueness, but I shall leave it to later on to go into details.

I have learnt not to digress and to stay on point.

Kudos to me.

Since I have been pondering all day about the queer actions that humans so gingerly display, perhaps unconsciously, I shall start with it then.

Humans, with their vastly different personalities, some of which are so endearing you wish you could hug them and hold them eternally dear to your heart, whilst there are those conniving ones that you pray to God would be rammed by a bicycle everyday.

Oh well, I believe there is a saying that goes about the universe being in balance, "Good & Evil", "Yin & Yang", "Chocolate & Me".

Alright, I made the last one up myself, but hey it makes me a happy person when I'm all grouchy and wolfy.

Anyhow, main point is that it crossed my mind that God should really do up a manual for each human he creates.

Y'know to ease up the needless tension, drop the facades and just be as the manual states.

Oh like a barbie.

Barbie....My prized toy (okay not exactly mine, but who is claiming rights anyway) during my toddler years.

Such nostalgia.

She was all mine and my undivided attention was all hers.

Such sweetness.

But that was then and this is now.

Given now, I would chuck it down the rubbish chute cuz it is not all dark and gory.

Why would you look at that?

I have managed to digress away once more.

So back to where I was penning.

I realised that I've been both tolerant and overbearing at the same time of late.

Over-bearing towards ah nah, the poor thing who mostly gets the brunt of my temper.

Tolerant towards *Please insert your name here*.

Haha.

Ah nah, is most certainly oddly patient with me.

She ignores me, as advised, when I fly into a rage primarily due to frustrations at work.

Side note, I shouldn't really let these frustrations get to me.

Its bad on my karma.

Oh well, kudos to her and many thanks for the understanding and tolerance.

On the other hand, I have been tolerant towards *Please insert your name here*, taking in the rants and angst that seems to poof out of nowhere.

Dear God, I really need that manual because with all honesty, I am clueless towards *Please insert your name here*.

Well most others, I'm just indifferent cuz hey its pretty much none of my business so they should go sulk somewhere in the dark beyond.

Am trying to be all manly and attempting to outdo boyfriend's ego rank, but sadly he still wins hands-down.

:D

Baby, just in case you didn't really get it, its just really a poke at you.

Yes, I do care even for the undeserving.

This is my blog, solely owned by me.

Hence, there is no need to complicate matters and boast about the above statement.

Cuz I honestly do care, well at least those of the appreciating conscience.

It is ever so tempting and so much easier to just fall into that pit of self-pity and constant wallowing.

I know, I've been there on more than one occassions.

Not very proud of it, but "stercus accidit" - latin for shit happens so always self-indulge to your heart's content (don't ever be ashamed of it) and pull yourself together.

Not everything goes the way we hope for.

Like I always say, God always has plans for us and we only live life ONCE.

Is it simply not enough that we have to work and yet still deprive ourselves further from other forms of satisfaction by being a worry-wart?

Now don't be silly.

Every single minute should be ideally spent happily, regardless of whatever life throws in your face.

My favourite nudge phrase would be that I might be walking on the pavement one day and a deranged driver decides to see if the steel gut abomination emerges the winner or I do.

In either case, there is simplicity in my analogy.

Oh sure it isn't catchy or chirpy but even a goon will grasp the idea of it.

I tire from being negative, it saps my energy to do the things I like.

I hate those who damn well love to bathe in it so that attention can be showered.

Not you of course.

Although there is a certain truth that I sometimes want to wring your neck for rambling non-stop about your issues.

Sigh.

I don't know what works with you.

Have tried the advise approach, but clearly it fell on deaf ears.

Oh well, I won't repeat myself again because I detest doing so.

Have tried the self-sooth approach, but it didn't sit right with me that I shut my trap when you seem to be in the abyss of negativity.

Do not wish to try the reprimand approach cuz surely we will fall out and I'll be too hot-headed to want to apologise before its too late.

Neither is the telling-you-what-to-do approach good either cuz you'll just snap at me and perceive me to be domineering.

God, please send me that manual anytime now.

Would love it to be soon.

A certain gripping melancholy.

2008-07-22T23:27:00.003+08:00

Sigh.

I don't know when it caught on me but now I can't wait for the next episode to come!

I'm kinda sad though, that "Alfred" had to die.

Damn the playmaker.

Why???

Yes it is rather stupid to be all tied up by the story plot.

Well it IS well-written, I've got to give it that much.

Even though it isn't reality, it still grips me so.

Oh well I'll get over it with a healthy dosage of my beloved books.

Sometimes I really wish I could do nothing all day and just hole up at home with my books around me.

What would make it even more purrfect would be the countryside, where I can just sit anywhere right under the sun with cooling breezes.

No societal restraints, no "Oh no this is wrong" or "There are better things to do".

One day, I'm just going to go away and leave everything behind.

Just myself and my stories.

Hell I might even continue writing my story.

Being here just kills pretty much every inspiration one can have.

It is ever so deafening, the constant negativity.

It can be suffocating to be around worry-warts.

Of course, some do have a certain cause to worry but most are kind of pretty much needless.

Like I always say, life is short.

Who knows, I might be in a car crash tomorrow and I want to be able to die with no regrets with my passing.

That I would be able to tell Him that I've done pretty much everything that I wanted to do.

So why the worries?

However, this doesn't mean I wish to flounder through the entirety of my existence.

I have my goals, to be a lawyer, etc etc.

Sure sure, all thinks I am not witty enough (in more appropriate simple terms : I am defined as a simpleton).

Who cares?

I sure as hell don't give a hoot's ass about others' dogmatical opinions.

I often wonder how is it possible that people can live with themselves for being so nasty towards everyone around them.

To have to even think of new schemes while they sleep, to sabotage others in return for some petty gains.

Side note, I refer these gains as petty because neither gift nor gain in this world is greater than God's grace.

Others have reprimanded me for being gullible, to allow myself to be cheated.

I beg to differ.

Yes I might have lost out on some of my finances but I know that He sees all.

After all, I cannot possibly bring all my material possessions with me to my grave now can I?

Although I am not exactly observant (okay I'm just more oblivious-inclined), but I don't think I'm that daft.

There are times that I am fully aware of being manipulated, but I still give in on some level.

There must be some reason for their questionable actions, but of course there are those who probably just gets a kick out of it.

Friends and foes alike.

Weird, I always somehow manage to befriend the strangest people.

By strange, I mean deceitful and self-conceited individuals who probably only think of their ownselves.

Perhaps I do not fully understand their situation but how can I when it seems it is most unlikely that they will reveal it to me?

Honestly, I do not mind at all helping others.

But what gets me is that I do not understand why they have to go through such schemes to quench theith thirst of needless wants?

Puzzling isn't it?

Mankind.

Can't live with them, yet we can't live without them either.

Alright, enough ranting for this night.

My books calls to me.

Buenas noches preciosa santuario.

Anger simmered, disappointment settles in.

2008-07-12T17:22:00.002+08:00

You just don't understand any of it do you?

No.

Men will be men.

As daft and as dim-witted as they always will be.

I cannot find it in me right now to speak to you because it will bring me somewhere ugly and pouring that is of no purpose at all, that which seems to me.

What is the point, the significance of it all if you do not understand?

Is it not simple enough for you, to have it not spelt out in detailed words?

Are your senses lulled, emotions deadened?

Your vanity, that is your esteemed commodity, you bartered in return for my set of disappointments.

Perhaps for you, it was worth it.

It just keeps replaying like a broken record on the stereo.

Even now, it whispers to me.

All I see now is no more than nothing.

Why won't you appreciate the concessions that I have given you?

Why.

From this day forth, please expect nothing from me.

Enough is enough.

I have given enough.

And you made me realise that it was not worth it at all.

I would rather give it to someone who will than lay waste to it on you.

I have always only asked for so little from you, but still you were unable to fulfill this task that requires such minimal effort.

Right now, I wish not to speak with you.

Right now, I wish I would be left alone.

Right now, I am disappointed beyond words.

Right now, I cannot forgive you.

Right now, I feel like a fool, your majesty's jester.

No more shall I give.

No more for you deserve none of it.

You and your stupid vanity.

2008-07-12T00:38:00.002+08:00

Boy, see yourself for who you are and live it.

Yes I have downgraded you to boy because you are just too keen on displaying such infantile imbecilic acts.

(P.s you should fucking thank god that I have a fucking short term memory, thus I don't stay mad for long. Literally. Anger is simmering down as I type. Unless you simply wish to break this record, then by all means go on ahead.)

Quit promoting yourself to me because if I needed you to do that so that I would come to you, you would have had alot of work to do and we wouldn't even be where we are now.

Thus, put a fucking cork in it and quit promoting yourself.

Unless, in the very rare chance that you are afraid that I'll run away, then my gollyness I applaude at your foresight.

Applaude out of sheer laughter of your vast stupidity.

Apparently, it was a misjudgement on my side to have had thought you had brains enough to think that I would have already did if I'd wanted to.

You are not exactly that tall, hunky or hot baby.

You should recall that on many occassions I have mentioned that jokes die as soon as immediately it is being said and a repetition of it is no more than just annoyance, which is majorly bitch-slappable.

No.

You wish not to uptake my words on this.

Alright.

There you go, my wrath.

Hell hath no fury for a woman's wrath, so I promise you that you do not wish to mess with me and test my patience.

I have had been very lenient on you already.

Don't push your luck bugger.

You do not want to go there.

Oh yes, before it slips out of mind again, since your vanity means this much to you, then marry it.

Fuck it, impregnate it, have kids with it and live happily ever after.

Yes, I am very much fucking cheesed off with you and your vain ways.

I had fucking spent a fucking bomb on the fucking parcel so that you would fucking get it on your fucking birthday so that you can fucking eat it on that fucking day itself.

But no.

It was almost as if it was poison and that it would fatten you as like a satisified cow if you took a nibble off of it.

Fine.

In the end, diarrhea bested you and you didn't managed to even taste a fucking morsel of it.

Well I hope your mum did do me that favour and thrown it away because it probably looks poisonous to you.

Save you from the chocolate onslaught.

In light of this, it appears to me that you do not appreciate the parcels that I'd sent you as you deem it a waste of money.

Very well sir.

I will abide by your male chauvanistic wishes and comply with your command.

Hence, do not expect any more than words from me now onwards.

I shan't waste a single second of my time on this redundant task as you would have preferred.

Lastly, I have only but merely 3 words for you.

Words are cheap.

You claimed to be a rather observant and perceptive person.

Go figure.

Get a grip world.

2008-07-04T01:40:00.002+08:00

Okay it has been dancing heavily on my nerves and considering I'm pmsing, I'm in major need to rant.

Post-script : This is an entry filled with annoyance and ugly words.

Stay away if your heart cannot take it.

Moving on.

Oh.My.God.

What is wrong with these people?!?!

Why is it that they are so focussed on how lonely they are when in actuality they are surrounded by friends and family?!?!?!

Seriously people.

Get a fucking grip on yourselves.

If I am to tolerate anymore of these, I definitely need to bark about this here.

Its not like I'm naming anyone in particular.

Its not just ONE individual but a couple.

My goodness.

Day in, day out, my ears are greeted by the same routine complaints.

Why can't you just appreciate what you have??

I was alone for 2 fucking years before I had Kevin.

Did I go mental and complain about it EVERYDAY???

NO!

I did my own stuffs, things that made me happy, that allowed me a sense of self-satisfaction despite others' objections.

How is it anymore different from where you are right now???

Considering how negative a bug I can be if I allow myself to, don't you think you can do better than me???

Oh for crying out loud!

Just on the sideline, you should realise and appreciate the fact that I hardly mention much about Kevin in your face cuz you'd take it that I was rubbing it in.

That I understood but please do realise that there are times when I really miss him alot, considering we are this fucking far away from each other and sometimes just want to talk about him.

But no.

For your sake, I had shut my fucking trap so that I wouldn't hurt or annoy you.

So if this entry makes you trip, then I'd suggest you stop reading cuz it is getting nastier.

Next.

I believe I have mentioned to all that I resent advising people who falls on deaf ears on what I suggest.

I have been stretching my limitations on angst and it is really trying my nerves.

To the point of tripping very soon.

Don't want to take my "crappy, idiotic" advise?

Alright I'm fine by it, remain upset forever since you seem to like it that way.

Many a times I have tried to make it work better for these people, times when I was dead tired and wanted to sleep but held on to the fucking laptop, tapping away on the cold keys in hopes to bring them some comfort.

Sure it does work for awhile, but it comes back round again with the snap of the finger.

Just shoot me point blank in the head already.

Then there's the part of miscommunication and the hatred against family.

Hi there, you're born there, so suck it up.

I did with my parents, so you ought to do that too.

Got a problem?

Deal with it.

Or leave it to die away.

Or just confront the person already.

Talking about suicides is never a smart thing.

Neither does it reflect a mature mentality on yourself.

Life is full of shit and crap.

You'd probably been dead a thousand times if you entertain these ridiculous thoughts.

Plus, it is a straight-to-hell pass if you do.

HELLO?

I have had worse times when I had just started working.

Come work at my company, then come talk to me about committing suicide.

I'd been through that fucked up phase, with unspeakable difficulties and much tears but I am still fucking alive.

So what does this tell you?

SUCK

IT

UP!

Grow up already y'all!

Quit trying to piss me off with your self-absorbed complaints!

My job as a friend is not to tell you all the pretty things you wish to hear, rather it is to try and make sure that you don't get yourself in deep shit.

But the word of utmost emphasis is try.

Ultimately, it is your take on your own board.

There is only so much that I can do and I cannot and will not devote my entire life to you just because you are sad, alone and resentful.

I have my own stuffs that I want to do and periods where I wish for nothing but silence from the world.

Deadliest weapon alive : Mummy's gossip proliferation.

2008-06-20T00:57:00.003+08:00

FINALLY its friday again!

God this is the day everyone pines for every mondays.

I am so so so behind work.

Totally lost the drive to work, to continue in audit anymore.

Soooo many of them are leaving right after bonus is out.

Temptations, temptations.

Let's see how many...

5!

Gosh!

Think I should leave before I get all sulky and I'm not nice to be around when I'm like that.

Haha.

Everyone should know.

I'm so blatant about it!

Ookay but obviously it mostly wasn't intentionally so apologies to all whom I've snapped at.

Think the most who took the brunt of it was Lena, which I really am sorry about.

I am so sorry baby girl!

Haha.

But you ought to have seen her when I'm edgy, with her inconsipicously trying to detect any bad vibes so that she can stay away when I'm nasty.

Man you shoulda seen her face.

Incredulously funny.

At times, even on outbursts, I almost wanted to laugh at her.

Haha.

Aside from her, Kevin has taken some bits of it.

Though he is not very clever on assessing situations, i.e. when I say I do not wish to speak to him, it means I'm in a petrifying horrible mood that has signs "STAY AWAY" all over it.

Oh well, he's doing alright I guess haha.

Was supposed to fly over in July, but alas as fate decreed, I had to pay my semester fees this month, chalking up to a nifty 1.5 grand.

Daayuum..

Had to borrow from mummy again, but as usual we got into a tiff.

I cannot understand why she finds it difficult to simply tell me that her money is stuck somewhere.

Rather, she has to make a big ol' din about it, as if I had NEVER returned her the loans.

Well there was only perhaps one occassion 5 years back where I had to get a bloody gown for the stupid graduation.

Hey I was still a teen, where was I supposed to get money then?

Either way, speaking to her is moot.

So the usual usual happening went about and she went to tell brenda's mum about it.

Like why can't she just tell me straight, its not like I'm a spoilt brat who wouldn't understand if she couldn't fork it out??

I'm angry with her for not speaking to me, because she knows she can, instead of blowing a whole big hill about it to Ednamummy.

Mums.

Can never understand them.

Surprise surprise.

Brenda's mum rung me up yesterday and she indicated (am not sure if she's being psychological but she's a nice auntie nonetheless) that my parents ought to support me if I wish to continue my studies.

Well of course it would be nice to be away from work and just go to school and not worry about work for once, but thinking through, I am old enough and it would be wrong of me to expect them to pay for my school fees etc.

Well the laptop was a nice surprise but I never thought of it as a given.

In fact, they should be proud of my sister and I.

I mean do they realise how many kids out there our age are still depending on their parents for allowances, casually throwing it away on superficial items??

Hello earth to mum and dad.

2008-06-19T11:46:00.002+08:00

Wow boyfriend actually learned something about WOMEN on television.

Why sometimes I don't want to talk to him on certain times of the month.

Pffft.

Boys will be boys.

Haha.

Oh well now that HE knows..

Nary a sound.

2008-06-19T00:55:00.004+08:00

Gosh it has finally happened.

My help has got herself in the hot zones through the liason of some funky filth.

God I'll be maid-less again.

Hate it when it happens.

Why can't they stay true to grounds?!?!

Like hello?!?!

You're here to earn money, not on a dating mission much less make babies.

Now we'll have to send her away.

Great.

No maid for prolly a week and all hell is going break loose.

PLUS, I'll have to accustom myself to the new one when I've already grown used to this one!

Dayuum.

Its such a depresssing issue.

Think my family is jinxed against any long-term home helpers.

Bargh!

A silent ballad of appreciation for the smallest things in life.

2008-06-08T03:06:00.002+08:00

Okay I haven't really been on point on work or academics (haha), but that's just a daily occurrence.

Though I gotta say, I am content with what I have right now, at this phase of life.

I've got loving parents, sister (annoying but I know somewhere deep down extremely hidden, locked away in a vault with security guards, she still loves me just as I do her), Kevin (boring, rides on my nerves but no less loves me :D) and friends who comes through from time to time.

(Though we have some communication issues but I suppose that's just a technical clitch that will self-ratify)

Attended my best girl's wedding today and it delt a blow on a couple of us, making us revaluate our lives.

True, there is inexplicable joy when you're finally settling down with your beloved, have a family of your own and possibly live it all out in bliss.

But that don't make me want that enough to want to be married, to have kids, to settle down.

Yet.

It is such a solemn matter and very often I find that quite a few overlooks the future factor.

One can call me skeptical, cynic even but that's truth on a hard slab for you.

Besides, there is still so much a person has and can do.

See the world, helping the less fortunate, spread His words, His love, do crazy stuff like bungee jumping, getting tattoos with fresh tears in your eyes, etc.

Basically, free falling even just once in life.

We weren't given life only to slog away till we expire.

He hopes for us to be appreciative, not only for the finer things in life, but for all that we have, every love that surrounds us, the very soul that resides in us, to have a choice in all that we do, good or bad.

To be thankful for the littlest things like, having shoes on our soles whereas some poor soul's feets are calloused from walking bare-footed, for the food on our table, whereas others have to go through the dumpster for scraps of food.

So life isn't all that pretty all the time, but yeah so what?

All you gotta do is take it, bitch it, get a grip, suck it up, deal with it and life goes on.

The world don't suspend for an inkling second on its axis for nobody.

Life goes on.

So that's just it.

Live it and be happy.

For all that is being said, I thank Him for being the way he is, for His love.

I probably disgraced Him for all the sins committed but I know He forgives upon repentance.

Sometimes I'm afraid to admit that I am one of His, afraid to tarnish his reputation, but deep down I know that he would prefer it that way than deny Him.

Wow huh?

Lastly, thank you and I love you too God.

Thank you for reminding me when I was starting to forget.

Well I guess I'm finally ready to go to a church.

Detached.

2008-06-06T11:26:00.000+08:00

Detached, that I have discovered I am soon becoming.

Unfeeling towards everything except the feverent passion for books.

Unquenchable thirst for words that pulsates, as like streamers that decorates one's mind with its effervescent effects, and feeds like sweet nectar, brain dredging up every precious drop of it.

Nobody can ever understand this undying love, neither does one try.

I fault none for their indifference.

After having exposed to the novelties depicted in books, I can only have such hopes in fantasies.

That one of the same mind might come along and rejoice in the same manner.

Poetry is now a lost art amongst the many intrinsic gifts bestowed by god's grace.

None wish to appreciate, rather more pays heed to sultry words that fascinates the mundane.

Typical herd.

It has inter-exchanged, evolved into nothing more but a necessity to others.

Does no one wish to delve any further into such revered beauty that are in our easy possession?

Rather more than transgressions?

I think not and it saddens one only to have been brought this revelation.

Yet I am thankful there still exists writers, despite the lack of integrity, exists.

"Noble" ideas that has turned into destruction.

2008-06-05T18:30:00.004+08:00

Lies never ceases to run.

Snowball of debts.

To God.

Ruthless cycle of manipulation never stops to exist.

Deceit spills over seething rosen lips.

Extravagance at the willing expense of others.

Lies!

You sicken me!

Will you never stop this charade!?!?

Will God's grace never be enough?!?!

How can you sit there, attempting to be an angel, trying to sweep your transgressions below the carpet!

Tainted!

I abhor your ways, your sick musings!

Lord, teach me to give for I seem to have forgotten how to give.

Teach me to forgive for I seem to have forgotten how to look away from the past .

Teach me to love for I seem incapable of such love.

3:17-26 Hope in the Lord. My soul is deprived of peace,

I have forgotten what happiness is;

I tell myself my future is lost,

all that I hoped for from the Lord.

The thought of my homeless poverty is wormwood and gall;

Remembering it over and over leaves my soul downcast within me.

But I will call this to mind, as my reason to have hope:

The favors of the LORD are not exhausted,

his mercies are not spent;

They are renewed each morning, so great is his faithfulness.

My portion is the LORD, says my soul; therefore will I hope in him.

Good is the LORD to one who waits for him, to the soul that seeks him;

It is good to hope in silence for the saving help of the LORD.

Fallen from grace.

2008-06-01T22:19:00.002+08:00

There she sits in the gloom, hoping that the slightest glimpse of light might escape the shrouded moon.

Hanging by the windowsill, the dreamcatcher sways ever so slightly upon each whimsical wind that sings a pitch higher than the last.

A glimmer of hope, the hope that even the smallest dream might kiss her worries away.

Life has been unkind, harsh, unraveling all of its unsightly games in her very eyes.

With no place to go to dry her tears, she crawls into the small corner of her room as she hugs herself, dazed from the unyielding streams that rushes from saddened eyes.

Streaks of thunder splayed in slow motion across the dreary skies, fluttering harmlessly by her opulent dark gaze.

Dejection washed over her as she stares blanky into the dark oblivion.

Losing faith and barely grasping onto her only anchor, she's lost inside.

Honestly!

2008-05-29T14:20:00.002+08:00

Is it even humanly possible that one be this dense.

Exasperations exasperations.

Terrific.

I am stuck with a dimwitted partner.

Someone tell me what is wrong with this picture.

Deadened senses.

2008-05-28T01:50:00.004+08:00

The novelty of just about everything are seemingly fading away into nothingness.

I suppose in some odd sense books has its way of intoxicating its readers.

Bringing one beyond the realm of the real into the unrealistic.

Am just rambling out of sorts these days.

No deep content here.

I need something exhilarating to crank up the becoming monotonous routine.

:o(

Out of the blue and totally out of this world please!

I'm getting bored again.

:S

[If only this fervent passion burns as brightly as it should for academics.]

Transcend from the leap and bounds.

2008-05-27T00:28:00.000+08:00

A delicate touch of perpetual disconcernment amongst the unrest.

Remembrance spills over the teeming mental black box.

Enthralled by the illusion, an immaculate mirage conjured.

The merest whisper lingers on, haunting the present with its sweet promises as it creeps closer.

Too close for comfort.

Insipirations lost, not even the littlest spark salvaged.

Words gather at the edge of lips ajar, yet silence rose victorious.

Impatience gnaws at the back of the mind.

Indecisions.

Psychedelic - Lost in reverie.

2008-05-21T00:07:00.004+08:00

Words.

Random alphabets strung together to hold a comprehensible form.

To bring understanding between humans, that which supposedly distinguishes us from any fowl or crawlers of the night.

As connoted, supposed is heavily emphasized.

The intricate foreplay with words only sullies its very existence.

What then is its purpose, its sole objective that which it serves?

To only serve the intellect ones who abuses it so very often?

To aid the malicious dictate those of whom falls under this invisible benchmark?

Such a sad finding this should be.

On the contrary, somehow or rather it still beautifies what little is left of this wreck.

Through the mind of writers, it is dignified, refined, and reborn into a hallowed form than that of the treacherous ones who had thought it deceived.

In the end, I guess all I have to say is THANK GOD FOR BOOKS!

Haha.

And that totally spoilt this entry.

Baaahumbug!

I need books, books, books and more books!

Hunger for books, to read, to feast my eyes upon every expressive emotion that is conveyed through the use of words.

To allow me to write more aptly, to express more adequately.

If only reality would permit me to immerse myself in books and do no other.

Reality can be such a hard slap on the face sometimes.

Embodiment of naked, uncut truth.

2008-05-20T23:51:00.001+08:00

Love hurts

But sometimes it's a good hurt

And it feels like I'm alive

Love sings

When it transcends the bad things

Have a heart and try me 'cause without love I won't survive

"Incubus - Love hurts"

A stand off. I choose water over wine.

2008-05-16T01:15:00.004+08:00

Dear God, please remove this anger from me before it eludes me from sleep once more.

Raw emotions run wild.

Avid.

2 bombs literally fell on my lap this fateful day.

First off was the matter of that faggot and his faggoty honey.

Second was the bill.

Either numbified or the adrenaline from it just killed the bid to complain.

What's the point?

Yea what's the point in anything anymore right?

I see pointless arguments only to be rebutted with an airhead's opinion and his gay lover's smirk.

I believe in retribution, thus I will no longer curse and swear at the expense of myself.

The consequences born from the malice of scheming maggots will face His wrath when he metes out the just punishments.

Yes I am trying to turn to faith now.

Too much angst makes me an ugly person and I'm already getting fatter these days without this to add on to the uglification.

Positive negativity.

Oh yea.

I totally fucked myself up this time.

Screwed up big time.

Since I had opted to work and study, it falls within the "pre & post - work experience" of the ACCA's ruling bar.

Which means instead of 3 years work experience, I now have to acquire 5 fucking years in order to attain the fucking CPA status.

Man I give up.

She's right.

I don't need the CPA status.

Come to think of it, being a CPA only qualifies me for a position here locally, whereas my dreams is of somewhere else.

Thus, I have concluded that I will abandon the CPA status, get the damned ACCA degree and fucking extricate my ass from this godforsaken demon springing realm of evil called workplace.

So there you go.

Whatever tomorrow brings me, I'll be there to take it with arms wide.

Taking things in stride isn't so bad sometimes.

What better time to let yourself go and free fall right?

No it isn't a poor disguise of self-sooth.

I just cannot be bothered with the mundane matters anymore.

Sure I was adrenaline-spiked with anxiety the whole day but that was partly due from loss of sleep from previous night.

Oh well.

Gots to get up in time for gym so that I won't be late for work tomorrow, considering I don't gots the hassle of putting on make-up anymore.

Lord I beseech that you help me on this.

Waking up in time is something I cannot do alone.

Do not wish to sleep like the dead only to inevitably awake even more weary because of fitful dreams.

Post-note : I need to hone my verbal skills a little more. Its getting rustic.

And I got punked by a newbie superior.

Lord help us all.

Tripping.

2008-05-14T22:17:00.005+08:00

What does a girl have to do to get a couple of book series!

Damn!

Shallow entry.

2008-05-11T02:36:00.003+08:00

After much deliberate delay, I've decided to pen down something for the week.

Let's see what I've accomplished this entire week.

I'm finally done with the first 2 books of the vampire huntress series.

Am on the 3rd one now.

Need to get my hands on the rest of the series!

Was a major bozo for not getting the entire series when mph was having their sale!

Daaaammnnn.

Fret not!

It should be easily obtainable.

Need to get some titles for golf too.

Have been procrastinating that too.

Haha.

Oh hey an old single by Mandy moore is playing - in my pocket.

Funny how it reminds me of Dawndawn's joke of her friend's experience in one of Thailand's gay bars.

Gay dude's attempt for some quick buck with friend.

Friend : "How much?"

Gay in his very sassy tone : "100 baahhttsss"

(Intrigued) Friend : "Expensive la, I'm poor." (or something like that, memory fails me everyday.")

Gay still in his serpentine alluring charm : "100 baahhttss I luurve you long long~"

XD

Okay I don't say it right on out as funny as Dawn does but hell it packs a punch on your sides!

At least it did mine!

Dang I can't forget that.

Off to bed now!

Untitled.

2008-05-05T21:40:00.002+08:00

Haha this random thought just came to mind.

Here's how nearly 99.99% of men all over the world propose to their love :

The more cliche manner : The man brings his lady to the oh-so-romantic place, or getaway, gets down on a knee and asks for her hand in marriage.

The more ludicrous manner : The man pops the question during adrenaline-rushed activities, say sky-diving.

When Singaporean men propose, here's how they pop the question :

The widely used manner in Singapore : "Wana apply for a flat together?"

Indifferent.

2008-05-05T00:31:00.002+08:00

Met up with camel today, supposedly for a change of cell.

An unexpected turn of things.

Am still stuck with my cellphone that pmses at least once every 2 days.

Minimum.

Anyway, that was all fine.

Had dinner with him and did some catching up.

Didn't seem that he was gone for that 1 year.

Anyhow, he appears to have matured a little more; a tinge more sensitive and considerate towards others.

That's good.

Was late again.

Haha he has grown accustomed to it that he doesn't scream at me anymore.

Whew.

Was up last night catching some past flicks that I never gotten a chance to watch.

Its crazy.

But it was a good weekend.

Though an extremely fattening, accompanied with loads of lazing.

I loathe myself these days.

I'm becoming such a sloth.

Old habits die hard.

Right.

Need to get a move on, away from this bummer routine.

What happened to gym almost every morning before work?

Lazy bones.

Brought his letter with me, to read on the bus on my way home this night.

The reminiscence didn't come back quite that right.

A change of heart?

No not for someone else.

The feelings seems to have.....died.

Side note, "No air by Jordin Sparks" oddly reminds me of Azrino.

Maybe cuz his physique and hair resembles Chris Brown.

Then again, he's probably 30 plus already.

And his CAUCASIAN scandal ain't no black lady.

Moot point.

I want something else more now.

He's right.

I'm not bounded by family issues, so I reckon I ought to free fall and do whatever I want to do now while life permits me to.

Why risk damnation?

To damn ourselves for having not enough courage to free fall into the unknown and be pleasured by the thrill-seeking adventures?

Note : Read this with much discernment.

Don't know what else to write anymore.

Ciao~

Time to live it up again.

2008-05-04T02:19:00.007+08:00

Is it enough to love?

Is it enough to breathe?

Will it sustain this existence?

Feeling a tinge of morbidity these days.

My quaint serenity.

Have no wish to connect with the outside world, yet the boredem is killage.

Am getting a guitar soon and resuming lessons again.

I wana play around with my guitar.

Urgh a slimey lizard just scrambled across the hall, leaving its slimy trails behind it.

I'm exaggerating.

Back to point.

Just read through a couple of random stuffs I wrote some years back.

Apparently I'm losing my touch nowadays.

No longer possess that individualic perception.

When I look in the mirror, I see another person.

Maybe I'm best suited to be alone.

Perhaps God has tailored me to fly solo.

Cannot seem to stay with someone for long.

Am in a fix.

Confessions of a lost one.

(Somethings just can't be solved by that deemed perfect solution. Time and patience are also the prerequisites of a remedy.)

Mental deficiency.

2008-04-30T00:52:00.005+08:00

Great.

Home is officially a barren land, deprived of all real food.

Note to self : Never go home hungry.

Am so hungry now that I'm gorging myself silly with BARLEY.

So hungry~~~

Super craving for siew mai.

Haha.

Unfortunately, seafoodless siew mais are such a rare sight.

Oh well.

Hmm.

Random thoughts these days.

Marred fantasies that holds neither fascinations nor intrigue.

Perception that had once thought to be astrayed, irrefutably still remains.

Inadvertencies?

Deep.

Should head out to put things into prospective.

Wish to catch another flick this week.

Need to catch up on my life.

Ciao~

Plain pathetic.

2008-04-26T21:09:00.003+08:00

Thank god its the weekends already.

Weekdays are driving me dead bored with work.

Not that I don't have to come back to work on the weekend but it sure beats havin' to dress OL and listen to social bastardities rattle about their shit.

Supposed to be working right now but my brain is fried dry, unwilling to work.

Its a SATURDAY for crying out loud and I should be out having fun instead being stuck in the stupid office.

Anyway, was out with Chihiro last night.

She was nothing short of comical.

My goodness my arm was practically "Up for grabs" for her.

Although at least she didn't any marks on me or i'll scowl at her for sure.

Haha.

But she's funny I'll give her that.

Doomsday reeks of stupidity all over its candy ass.

Apparently I have a bad knack of catching just the wrong flicks.

(Note to self : Never watch movie for inconvenience of seats, but rather of intrigue.)

As obviously as it is put, Chihiro is a japanese with her full authentic japanese line heritage etc etc etc.

After the grabby movie and dinner, we decided to have coffee at Starbucks.

This girl does not share the same liking I have for caffeine, in fact she detests even the smell of it.

Queer.

Coffee is such wonderful aphrodisiac, if taken in large amounts.

Haha.

Ahh I have the mood to work again.

Ciao~

In the eyes of the unwise, they appear to be dead.

2008-04-21T03:12:00.002+08:00

I'm back from Italy and am left wanting.

The urge to just abandon everything I have right now and go on back-packing.

Back-packing to Ireland and Spain.

Leaving my dreams behind and go through the crazed up adrenaline-rushed adventures.

Walking ahead towards places I have no idea of where I'm going.

I wish to be reckless and have no regards to any solemn matters at all!

Hah!

Maybe I'll just quit my job the beginning of next year, just when the peak starts and go on back-packing!

Prolly Spain first since hermano is there and besides chihiro wants to go there too.

It'll be crazy fun travelling!

Just the two of us!

Haha!

Kevin aside since he's prolly mental busy with work and will not allow himself to sink into my insanity.

That and he has got to finance his family expenditures.

Still its all cool.

I've got company.

Chihiro and hermano.

Maybe I'll even visit Miguel.

Well who knows.

Too bad Brenda isn't of age yet or I'd ask if she wants to tag along.

(;

Work tomorrow.

Ciao~

Te quiero.

2008-04-08T05:14:00.002+08:00

Suddenly I miss him already.

)':

Random thoughts on a starry night.

2008-04-05T05:31:00.003+08:00

Days ago, we had broken up and he shattered every bit of my heart to little shards.

Am healing, but still am brain-drained.

Anyway, much malice has been brewing.

Shan't bother.

Should stop tolerating others' nonsense.

Not letting it bother me doesn't mean it is right.

Lest I get trampled all over again.

As always, whenever the guard is down.

Sly ones.

Cannot and will not attempt to comprehend the reason behind their own fixations.

Asphyxiated by their own happy fantasy, sometimes at the expense of my own.

Such idiocy.

Tired.

5.42am, just got home from reviewing that bitch's kim zhuas.

I am angry and in need to vent.

Don't stop me.

I've held it in long enough.

Karma's a bitch and it comes back tenfold.

Never do unto others what you do not wish to have done to you.

Ask (in appropriateness) and it shall be given.

No more needless doubts.

On a irrelavant note, either Kurien is merely trying to gain that tad bit of sympathy or he is really dying from cancer.

Though it should be noted that its been a year since his entry on that.

Either way, despite the enchanting words, the date was nullified.

Why?

Cuz I do not belittle trust.

Once broken, it will be beyond repair.

Therefore, I chose the latter.

That and the affections I have is still existent and soaring, however much damage that has been dealt to it.

Not as strong as before, no more that constant pining.

However happy I am that we have reinstated our original status, much tears has been shed within that heart-wrenching period.

Some shards have been frozen solid and has exceeded the boundaries of recovery.

Thus it is dead and locked away.

Need to recuperate.

Feels like he is trying to change his nonchalant ways.

Shall see what goes on in future days.

Woman are fickle.

So are men.

Surpressive mood.

2008-04-04T23:24:00.001+08:00

This day is infused with both sadness and elation.

Sadness founded from hermano and her scoldings and said disappointments.

Yet in the very end..I chose him over all factors.

Him because I still wish to be with him.

It hurts to be away from him this long and the tears would not cease at night.

If it truly had ended between us, I probably would have been too jaded to ever fall in love again.

Hermano is mad angry at me for being stupid.

Yes, I suppose I am in a way.

Stupidly in love.

)':

Maybe I should have never breathe a word of this to them.

Perhaps it wouldn't have come round to this.

Its heart-wrenching that it has degraded to this.

Caught in between the cross-roads.

I cannot and will not choose for all are equally important.

And because of this, I have lost a good hermano who has been helping me cope with the hurting all this while.

:'(

Fights are naturally inevitable, but it is also through these tribulations that we understand each other's worth more deeply.

However, should we break up at whim again...I will never come back to you anymore.

This is the only chance I will give so please cherish it.

With that said, I will cancel tomorrow's date with Kurien.

Irritants.

2008-04-04T19:49:00.002+08:00

Can't I be negative for just this once?!?!

I am pissed off with that bitchwhore.

Don't understand what the fuck she is doing the whole time at client's place.

She is fuckin' blind!

My god!

And yes!

I got back with Kevin!

Everyone get off my back already.

Yes i wana be a swine.

Let me be!

Ya no hay manera de volver el tiempo atrás.

2008-04-03T01:13:00.002+08:00

Espanol hermano has been an extremely dear for the down times.

That and friends.

So has Dawndawn.

Kevin asked to resume our relationship just now.

On reflex, I agreed.

Now I'm having second thoughts.

There is no promise that this wouldn't happen again.

That things will not fall through at whim again.

I....

am afraid.

These past days has been turbulent and I was a wreck.

Sleep would not come to me.

Images of the past filled my mind.

I was too distracted to work.

Work has piled up alot.

I am getting behind schedules.

...

I thought I could be magnanimous and put all behind us.

In sadness, I find that I cannot.

Ya no hay manera de volver el tiempo atrás.

Por ti reí y lloré, renací también.

I can't subject myself to that much hurting again.

It hurts too much.

I am....

confused.

)':

I need time to think it through.

Jamás sentí en el alma tanto amor...

Ya nada será igual, lo tengo que aceptar.